Mum and Dad had Separated in 1973
Mum and dad split up in June 1973, just after I had turned 13, see Chapter 99. Their continued separation was the dominant background for me in my teenage years in the late seventies and beyond.
Dad was in London…
By the start of 1975, dad was living in Newbury Park/Ilford. I believe he had moved there to take on the role of Assistant Branch Secretary at the Norwich Union’s West End branch, see Chapter 104. In the Wise Archive, “David” describes working in the Norwich Union including in the West End branch.
…And then in Birmingham
Towards the end of 1975, dad moved to Birmingham to take up the role of Branch Secretary there. I recalled that dad lived in Great Barr, Birmingham but I could not remember the street where he lived. However, I found a letter I had written to Jo from there in December 1981 and this had the address, 25 Walcot Drive.
A Reduction in Salary
Although this was a promotion, it involved a slight reduction in salary. I am not entirely sure why. I think the West End branch was bigger and probably more prestigious. There may also have been an additional amount for working in London. Apparently, dad said initially that he would only take up the role if they paid him an extra £500. The Norwich Union said no and dad said he would have to think about it. But, it seems that he did agree. He certainly took up the role.
From Mum’s Perspective
Most of what I have about dad, and mum and dad’s relationship, at that time, comes from mum’s diaries so risks being very one-sided. Grandad, in his diary for 1975, does not refer to dad or mum and dad’s relationship directly at all. There is some material in my 1976 and 1977 diaries and I have my own recollections. These do provide something of a different perspective to mum’s diary.
Dad Visited Us Frequently in Norwich
Dad came to visit us in Norwich quite frequently. Sometimes, these trips were specifically to see us. At other times, he came because of his work with the Norwich Union and he made time to see us.
There Were Tensions Over Staying With Us
Often, dad stayed with us but there were tensions about this. In March 1975, dad phoned to ask if he could come for tea next Tuesday. Mum agreed but wrote in her diary “I had to say yes”. I am not sure why this was the case.
The following year, in January 1976, dad phoned and spoke to Liz. One of the problems, which affected Liz on this occasion, and which affected me at other times, was that mum and dad sometimes passed messages to each other through us. I am not sure if this would have been less of an issue these days because of the availability of mobile phone technology.
Dad asked if he could stay that same night. Mum noted that she could not say no but that she was “not pleased”. She did not know how long he was staying “or anything”. The next month, in February 1976, dad phoned and asked mum if he could stay. She agreed but wrote “again what could I say”. At Christmas 1976, mum told dad he could stay for New Year but in her diary mum wrote “I must be mad”.
Points of Tension
Specific points of tension related to dad staying with us that mum noted in her diaries included:
- Not knowing when he was coming or how long he was staying. It seems that there were also issues if dad arrived later than he had said or later than mum thought reasonable
- Not knowing where he was coming from or where he was leaving to
- Staying in all day doing work and using her central heating
- Leaving an amount of money that mum considered inadequate. For example, after staying with us in February 1976, dad left mum five pounds. While mum did not say explicitly that this was inadequate, it did merit two exclamation marks
- Inviting himself for meals
- The amount of washing he asked her to do. When dad came to Norwich in June 1976, mum offered to do his washing. I am not really sure why. She noted that there were 19 shirts and this merited two exclamation marks. In January 1978, mum noted that dad brought a case of washing. It is not clear if she had offered to do it on this occasion
Dad Sometimes Stayed in a Hotel
As a result of these tensions, dad sometimes stayed in a hotel. This appears to have happened for the first time in May 1976 when dad came to Head Office. According to mum, dad phoned and said that, in view of what she had said, the Norwich Union had booked him into a hotel. I don’t know what precisely mum had said but presumably it was along the lines of her not wanting him to stay with us. While I liked seeing dad and having him stay with us, on balance, I think it was better when he stayed in a hotel than him staying with us as the level of conflict seemed less. Nevertheless, dad did sometimes stay with us after this date.
Grove House Hotel
I think one of the hotels dad stayed in was the Grove House Hotel. According to the 1971-72 Kelly’s Tradefinder, this was located at 77A Newmarket Road. It is now a Best Western Hotel, the George Hotel. I recall this hotel. Despite its Newmarket Road address, it is on the corner of Mount Pleasant and Newmarket Road and appears to me to be more on the former than the latter although there is a separate Arlington Lane leading to the hotel.
In June 1976, I noted having dinner with him at the Grove House Hotel. I am not sure if this was the first time I had eaten out at a hotel but it was not something we did commonly. I noted that we had gammon steak.
Sleeping on the Sofa or in Liz’s Room
When dad stayed with us, he sometimes slept on the sofa, e.g. in October 1975 and in August 1976. However, when he visited us in November 1975, Liz was staying in Drayton so mum said dad could have her room.
Things Dad Did With Us
When dad visited, he used to do things with us including:
- Going to the pub including playing darts and slot machines. When dad was staying at the Grove House Hotel, he tended to go to the Garden House. It is listed in Kelly’s Tradefinders for 1971-72 at 1 Pembroke Road. There is still a pub by that name on the corner of Pembroke Road and Denbigh Road between Avenue Road and Earlham Road.
- Going to see dad’s friends particularly Verity Gibson, see Chapter 99. I don’t know if dad took my other siblings to see her but he certainly took me.
- Going to the cinema.
- Going greyhound racing.
- Going to the cattle market. On 30 October 1976, dad took Alan to the cattle market. However, while mum may not have recorded this, I also recall going to the cattle market with dad although this may not have been in this time period.
- Going to football.
- Going swimming.
- Going to the fair.
- Getting Chinese takeaways.
- Having meals at his hotel.
- Going shopping in Norwich.
- Going to an election count. I went to a local election count with dad in May 1976.
- Going to the paper shop on a Sunday morning. I noted this and probably thought it was significant as my mother and other siblings went to church on Sunday mornings. So, if and when I went to the paper shop, I went on my own.
- Cooking breakfast on Sunday morning. I tended to lie in on a Sunday morning and, by the time I got up, everyone else was at church. So, having someone who was not only around but was willing to cook breakfast was noteworthy!
- Visiting places in Norwich and Norfolk including Mousehold Heath and Yarmouth.
- Taking Liz riding.
Practising Driving with Dad
In June 1977, dad and I went for a drive in his car, the implication being that he let me drive.
Giving Lifts
Dad also sometimes gave us lifts to and from places. For example, in August 1976, he took me to the start of my youth hostelling holiday in Ilam and picked me up from Matlock at the end, see Chapter 122. Also, in April 1979, dad dropped me and my friends Christine Channon and Christopher Deighton in Peterborough so that we could catch the train back to Newcastle.
Visiting Grandma in Kirkby
Sometimes, dad took us to Kirkby to see grandma. For example, after my youth hostelling holiday, in August 1976, dad and I called to see grandma but she was out. We later found out that she had gone to Newark. On 24 October 1976, when Alan, Liz and I went to Birmingham with dad, we went via Kirkby to see grandma.
Coming for Christmas
In particular, dad used to come to stay with us at Christmas. I recall enjoying having dad stay at Christmas and other times. However, I also recall there being lots of tensions, particularly between mum and dad. There were also other family tensions, particularly between me and mum. These may have been just normal tensions that occur within families. However, based on my recollections, mum and dad splitting up was a contributing factor in these tensions.
One example of such tensions was at Christmas 1975. Mum noted that “Roger seems to be ignoring me & says he had told me what he is going to do when I know he hasn’t. He hit Eliz tonight & though Roy got up to protect E he let me deal with Roger – I failed miserably. He just ignored me…” The issues here seem to be that I failed to tell mum what I was doing and that I also hit Liz. Both of these may or may not be true as we only have mum’s version of these events.
At least partially as a result of this, I found the family part of Christmases less enjoyable as a teenager than I had as a child. However, this may also be in part that the family part of Christmas was less important to me as a teenager than it had been as a child. I still enjoyed family Christmases but other elements, e.g. time with my friends, were more important to me.
1975
Prior to Christmas 1975, dad phoned and spoke to Liz. According to mum, he told Liz he would be coming on Christmas Eve and would stay over until New Year. He arrived on Christmas Eve about 9pm and about 10.45 went out to see Verity Gibson. On Christmas Day, mum noted “Not too bad with Roy here but odd moments which prove it couldn’t work. Slight tension at times between Roger & I”. However, on Boxing Day, she felt more negative “I feel very much the ogre & Roy is the fairy godmother. I have to insist on the nasty moments – i.e. Eliz bedtime (10.05 tonight!). Roy’s offered to take Roger to work tomorrow. Roger seems to think I only take him when I’m going out….
Avoiding Mum’s Relatives
On 27 December 1975, dad went out for the day as grandma, Auntie Dolly and Auntie Amy were coming to ours for tea. his was the normal practice after mum and dad had split up. I don’t know if this was something grandma insisted on or whether dad thought it might be for the best.
Jaws
During this period, dad took me and Alan to see “Jaws”. According to mum, dad took Alan. I also went but mum was not sure if I sat with them. Apparently, I had told mum that I did not want to go when dad went. I am not sure this is true. It is possible that I would have rather gone with my friends. Mum commented that “it makes me look as if I’m trying to cause trouble” which presumably means that mum told dad what I had said. One thing is for sure I would have definitely not wanted to go and see it with my mum! Mum took Liz later on 22 January 1976. I am not sure why Liz did not go with me, dad and Alan.
1976
Dad’s Christmas Present
On 9 December 1976, I bought dad a bottle of port for Christmas.
Dad Arrived on Christmas Eve
That year, dad arrived on Christmas Eve about lunch-time. Mum noted that this was about 2pm. However, I did not see him until the evening as I was working. In the evening, dad and Liz gutted the pheasants that mum had been given by Mr Stephens.
Christmas Activities
On the 26th, dad and I went to the pub where he beat me at darts. In the evening, dad went to the pub. On the 27th, mum noted that dad and I went to football, where Norwich beat QPR 2-0, and I then phoned to say I was going with dad to the pictures to see “King Kong”. Mum was annoyed – because I had got cross with her about changing her mind – but she noted that she said nothing. From my point of view, the issue was that I thought we were having a lie in and a later breakfast but, when I got up about 11, everyone was up and we had a proper dinner.
The reason I then went to the pictures was that dad did not want to come back to ours as grandma was there. We also went briefly to the fair. On the 28th, mum noted that dad, Alan, Liz and I went to see “101 Dalmations” and then we went to the fair.
New Year
On New Year’s Eve, mum noted that Tricia had a bad cold which she had got from dad. This merited two exclamation marks. On 4 January 1977, mum thought she had Tricia’s cold which, she noted, had come originally from dad!
I noted, on the 31st, going shopping in Norwich with dad. He bought a jacket and a cap. Mum noted that dad went out in the morning. He told her he had gone in the city but the way she wrote it implied she was doubtful. He came back for tea and went out again about 8.30pm. According to mum, he slept most of the time he was in.
On 1 January 1977, dad went to football. I noted Norwich won 3-2. The match was against Leicester City. I went to see my friend Michael Grey. On the 2nd, mum noted that dad left on the 12.10 train. I noted walking to the station with him.
1977
For Christmas 1977, dad arrived on 23 December and he and I then went to Verity’s. On 1 January 1978, mum, dad, Tricia, Alan and I went to Mousehold Health. Liz stayed in.
1978
In 1978, dad arrived for Christmas on 23 December. On the 24th, dad went with us to church. Mum was upset because dad spoke to Maureen Harris, Heather Ferguson and Peter Lemmon. It seems mum sat with Heather and John Ferguson and dad sat with Angus. I confess I don’t understand why dad speaking to these people upset mum.
On Christmas Day, mum noted that she received a pure silk scarf from Mr Ashken but nothing from dad. She bought dad liquers. Mum noted that dad bought nothing although he promised mum £50. She also noted being very lonely. Dad left on the 27th.
1979
In 1979, dad came for Christmas on 23 December. In these paragraphs, I have only focused on my dad’s involvement in our Christmas celebrations between 1975 and 1979. This involvement is mentioned more in 1975 and particularly 1976, which is the only year for which we have my diary at Christmas. For more details of Christmas celebrations in the late seventies, see Chapter 122.
Dad’s Birthday and Father’s Day
Sometimes dad was with us for his birthday on 17 June and/or for Father’s Day, which fell around the same time. For example, on 12 June 1976, I noted buying dad chocolates and a card as it was his birthday on the 17th and Father’s Day on the 20th.
Other Reasons for Coming
Other specific reasons dad came to see us included our birthdays, although he did not always come. In March 1977, he came for Liz’s 12th birthday. He and I organised games for her party. He came when Tricia left to go to Cambridge University in October 1976 and for Tricia’s prizegiving in November 1976. Dad brought her from Cambridge for her prizegiving and took her back.
In December 1976, dad came while mum was in hospital, see Chapter 116. I am not sure if that was the reason but it might have been. On that occasion, dad went to my parent-teacher evening, see Chapter 118.
Dad Often Phoned
Dad often phoned although many of these calls might not have merited entry in a diary. One thing I recall from my teenage years and later is that mum was more likely to write to me whereas dad was more likely to make an unexpected phone call.
An example of a phone call during this period was in July 1976, while mum, Alan and Liz were on holiday in Dunoon, see Chapter 124. Both grandma and dad phoned to check I was OK. Tricia was also away in the Isle of Wight at that time. She came back on the 24th.
We Visited Dad in London and Birmingham
We children also used to visit dad in both London and then Birmingham.
Visits to London
For example, at the start of 1975, mum noted I was in London. Tricia also went to visit dad in London in January 1975. She went with her school friend Liz Cowell. At the end of February 1975, Alan and I went to dad’s after school to go to the League Cup Final at Wembley featuring Norwich and Aston Villa, see Chapter 123. At the end of March 1975, mum went to Eastbourne. She dropped Tricia, Alan and Liz in Newbury Park on her way. I am not sure where I was! Mum collected them on her way back. She noted that dad was at work and that they had fish and chips for lunch.
In April 1975, I went to dad’s. In June 1975, mum, Tricia, Alan and Liz went to London. I went to work. Mum left the car and children at dad’s and went to the Coeliac Society AGM. Mum travelled home the same day arriving back at 9.45pm. I am not sure if Tricia, Alan and Liz came back with mum or stayed with dad. In August 1975, I went to dad’s and stayed for over three weeks.
My Recollections of Visiting Dad in London
I have some recollections of seeing in the New Year in London with dad, including going to Trafalgar Square. However, I thought I was older than this. I would have been 14. When dad moved to Birmingham I would have been 15. I could have sworn I visited dad in London when I was older than this but I must have been mistaken. I also thought I recalled being in London during the very hot summer of 1976 but again I must have been mistaken. No visit to London is mentioned in my diary for that year.
Visiting Dad in Birmingham
Tricia Helped Him House Hunt
After dad moved to Birmingham, at the end of 1975, we also visited him there. In December 1975, mum noted that dad wanted Tricia to go to Birmingham to help him house hunt. Mum also noted that Tricia did not want to go but felt she should. She did go with him on 2 January 1976. It took dad until July 1976 to finally get a house. I am not entirely sure where dad was staying until that time.
Liz and I Helped Him Move In
In August 1976, Liz and I went to Birmingham for just under a week to help dad move in. I am not sure if dad had been staying there but prior to moving in, Liz and I stayed with him at the Cobden Hotel. When we stayed there, we ate at the Garden House which was a three minute walk from the hotel. I think it was just a coincidence that it had the same name as the pub dad went to in Norwich. We came home via London as some of dad’s possessions were still there with Doug and Dot who I presume were dad’s neighbours.
October 1976 Visit
In October 1976, Alan, Liz and I visited. While there, we went to the Birmingham International Ideal Home Exhibition, to the Museum of Science and Industry and to greyhound racing at Perry Barr.
The Birmingham International Ideal Home Exhibition
This was held at the relatively newly-opened National Exhibition Centre in Birmingham from 14 to 30 October 1976. It differed from the Ideal Homes Exhibition held in London which, for example, Irene Bell visited in 1972, see Chapter 106.
The Museum of Science and Industry
Opened in 1951, the museum relocated in 1995 and closed in 1997 re-opening as Thinktank in 2001.
Visits in 1977
In February 1977, Liz and I went to dad’s by train. Alan did the same in April 1977. In June 1977, dad was due to come to Norwich to collect Liz but he had a problem with the car. So, she went to Birmingham by train. Again, in August 1977, Liz went to Birmingham on the train and stayed there fort a couple of weeks. I think Tricia was there at the same time as, on the 17th, mum and I both noted that she came from Birmingham. When Liz came back from Birmingham at the end of August, I went back with dad.
Hitch-hiking Back From Birmingham
At the beginning of September 1977, I hitch-hiked back from Birmingham. I recall doing this and it is recorded in my diary. I got picked up in Birmingham city centre by someone going to Bury St Edmunds but initially, he started heading to Bury in the north west!
Going on My Motorbike to Birmingham
In October 1977, I went to Birmingham on my motorbike. I recall doing this and it is noted in my diary. There, I refer to getting lost but without detail. I recall that dad lived close to a junction of the M6 but I got lost and went to the wrong junction. Rather than try to navigate through the city, I took my L plates off and went on the motorway!
Visits in 1978
In January 1978, Tricia went to dad’s for a few days. Then, in March 1978, I came back from Newcastle via Birmingham. In July 1978, dad came to pick me up in Norwich to take me to Birmingham. But, his car broke down so I am not completely sure if we made it. In August 1978, Liz went to dad’s and Alan went there for a few days in October.
Visits in 1979
In September 1979, I went there. After Christmas in 1979, dad went back to Birmingham with Liz and Gary.
I Worked in Birmingham Between School and University
In the summer of 1978, I worked in Birmingham before going on holiday hitchhiking round Europe, see Chapter 122. Dad had previously suggested I could work in Birmingham in the school holidays. On Christmas Eve 1976, he told me that I was virtually guaranteed a summer job in Birmingham if I wanted it. I noted that I might also apply for some around Norwich. I am not sure when this was for but, although I did not take up this offer the next year, I did in 1978.
However, mum does not seem to mention me working in Birmingham in her diary and I do not have my diary for that period. From memory, I recall working during the day at the Norwich Union but on the Fire Insurance side which was technically a separate company from Norwich Union Life Assurance where dad worked. My job consisted of dealing with “lost” post, that is linking post that had come in with the relevant file. Usually, if it came to me, the relevant file was not where it should have been! In the evening, I worked in a pub.
I am trying to remember which pub it was. I don’t think it was the Beaufort which I believe was dad’s local. However, I think it might have been the Garden Gate which Is a little further away and is now called the New Garden Gate and seems to be an Indian Restaurant.
Holidays with Dad
During this period, sometimes, but not often, we went on holiday with dad. In October 1975, mum took dad and Liz to a chalet in Bacton that was owned by dad’s boss. Mum described it as “quite nice”. On the 31st, mum noted that Tricia brought dad, me, Alan and Liz back. So, presumably Alan and I had joined them at some point. I remember going to Bacton with dad in the winter and really enjoying it. I am not sure if that was on this occasion. However, it is likely that it was.
In September 1978, mum noted that I came back from youth hostelling with dad. I don’t recall this at all and wonder if mum was mistaken. I do recall going with dad to Derbyshire around this time or later and finding that our roles had been reversed. Previously, I had struggled with hills and he had needed to encourage me. At this time, he was the one struggling and I was the one encouraging! I don’t recall staying in youth hostels then though.
Divorce
Seeking Advice
I guess the big issue that arose now that my parents had split up, and that split looked irreconcilable, was whether they would get divorced and if so when. In January 1975, mum wrote to her friend Cecil about divorce explicitly. Another person she talked to about divorce was Rev F R Dowson. He had been the Minister at St Peter’s Park Lane and he and mum became friends.
For the Sake of the Children
After mum had spoken to Rev Dowson at the end of January 1975, she noted “decided not to seek a divorce – for the children’s sake”. Even now, I find this difficult to read. I don’t think anyone asked me my views at that time. Rev Dowson certainly did not. Given that mum and dad were separated, and were engaged in fierce conflict with each other, I don’t see how not getting a divorce benefitted us children in any way! It might have been different if there had been prospect of a reconciliation which I don’t think there was. Also, I guess a divorce could have been particularly acrimonious, especially if it was necessary to prove one party was at fault.
In November 1975, mum noted that Rev Dowson advised her to wait eight years to get a divorce or legal separation which would mean that all the children would then be 18. I am not sure about the reasons behind this advice or the wisdom of it. I am pretty sure he did not ask me!
Conflicting Advice
However, in November 1975, Rev Ken Elworthy, one of the Ministers then at St Peter’s Park Lane, recommended that mum talk to someone at St Barnabas and that she get a divorce so that she would be free.
Rev F R Dowson
Frederick Rodham Dowson entered the Methodist ministry in 1936. He was born in Haxby, York on 5 August 1912 and he died in Selsey on 4 September 2011, aged 99. I believe he was superintendent Minister for the Park Lane circuit from 1968 to 1974.
St Barnabas
Established as a centre for Christian healing in 1974, it still provides non-denominational, multi-faith counselling. However, according to their website, they are no longer accepting new clients.
Confused as to What to Do
I think mum was confused by the conflicting advice. She wrote “wish I knew what is the right thing to do. It’s strange how St B has cropped up like this. Is it the way to go or a temptation?” I don’t really understand how mum could see St Barnabas as a temptation.
Deciding to Go Ahead
In early January 1976, mum noted that she had almost decided to go ahead with the divorce but she would wait until after the 29th. I am not completely sure of the significance of this date. I wonder if it might refer to 29 February when mum was due to meet Rev Dowson.
Legal Advice
In April 1976, mum saw a lawyer, Mike Cook of Mills and Reeve, the firm grandma and grandad had used for their wills in 1974, see Chapter 104. He advised her to get a divorce.
My Sister’s Views
That same month, it seems mum asked my sister Tricia what she thought about a divorce. According to mum, it seems Tricia said she would not object to a divorce.
A Difficult Conversation with Dad
Also, in April 1976, dad visited and mum asked him about a divorce. Apparently, he was OK until she asked him to put it in writing when he “turned awkward”. Sticking points mum noted were custody of the children and how much dad should pay mum. The conversation may have become heated. Mum wrote that dad said that she had told him that she and grandma had searched his room while they were using separate rooms at Waverley Road. Until I read this, I don’t think I knew that they were sleeping in separate rooms at Waverley Road! Mum noted that what dad said was not true as she “did not mention it to my mother until the Sat after he had left.” I am not exactly sure what “it” is in this context. Mum noted that dad then went out cross.
More Legal Advice
Later that month, mum went back to see her lawyer Mike Cook. He advised her to wait to see if dad wrote in the next month. If not, she should return to see him in June.
Applying for Tricia’s University Grant
However, also in April 1976, mum phoned Mike Cook about Tricia’s grant form, presumably the form Tricia needed to fill in to apply for a student grant. He advised her to fill it in declaring how much dad gave her and noting that they had not lived together since June 1973. He advised her to retain a copy.
Asking Me about Divorce
That same month, in April 1976, mum asked me about divorce. I do not recall this but I have no reason to doubt it. Certainly, the views she attributes to me would have been those I held at the time and subsequently. I was keeping a diary at this time but did not note this conversation at all. I was more focused on it being the first day back at school and that I went to the cinema, and to a pub to play pool and then bought (not very good) chips from the Chinese place!!!
Mum noted that I thought she should get a divorce and it would not upset me. She noted that I “seemed quite keen about it” and that I commented she could get married again. I am not sure that I would have said I was keen on divorce. But, if it brought some resolution of matters and reduced levels of conflict, that would have been very much what I wanted.
Another Conversation with Dad
In June 1976, mum asked dad if he had got a solicitor. He said he had not but he was thinking of buying a house so he would need to get one then. This merited three exclamation marks.
Grounds for Divorce
In September 1976, mum rang Mike Cook about the divorce. He told her he had written to dad but had not had a reply. He said he couldn’t do more unless it was on different grounds, e.g. unreasonable conduct. I assume that previously it was on the grounds of living apart for more than two years. However, this needed dad’s agreement which he had not given. Mike Cook also said no legal aid was possible now.
More Advice
That same month, in September 1976, another friend and Methodist Minister, Malcolm Carter advised her to go ahead with the divorce.
Feeling Stuck in the Middle
Also that month, I asked mum if she was going to divorce dad. Apparently, dad had told me that mum’s solicitor had written to him saying that mum wanted a divorce on the grounds of cruelty. Perhaps this was mentioned as an example of unreasonable behaviour.
I don’t think I minded the idea of divorce. What I didn’t like was feeling in the middle with both briefing me against the other and trying to draw me to their “side”. Also, the grounds for divorce then did mean that one party had to blame the other and, certainly in my parents’ case, this led to more acrimony. The law change, in 2022, where the sole grounds for divorce is irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, might have helped reduce unnecessary acrimony.
More Legal Advice
In October 1976, mum went to see Mike Cook. He gave her a written reply to her letter and said he was going to write to dad asking for a reply within 14 days. Mum was told to then ring him on the 25th if she had not heard anything. The next day, mum herself wrote to dad telling him that Mr Cook would be writing to him.
More Conflict
Mum said she received a letter from dad in the second post which she said said that dad would not allow her joint custody of the children. She said she was very distressed. She tried to ring Malcolm Carter but the line was busy. However, she spoke to him briefly in the evening.
More Legal Advice
Later that month, mum wrote to Mike Cook and made an appointment to see him. This appears to have been prompted by dad reducing the amount he gave her to £90 per month. She then went to see Mike Cook. She said they had a long talk which she described as the “best yet”. He said he would draft a letter to dad for her to review before he sent it. He mentioned that she could always stop if she wanted to.
A Furious Reaction
I am not sure if this was prompted by that letter from mum’s lawyers but, in February 1977, dad phoned mum and told her he had had a letter from her solicitors. According to mum, he said that if she wanted a dirty fight she could have one. He then said something mum could not hear. When she asked him to repeat, he hung up. She thought he said he was seeing a solicitor at the weekend to ask for custody of the children. Mum then went to see Rev Dowson after attending a practice for “The Messiah”. In March 1977, mum noted that she tried to talk to dad about divorce but he would not listen.
Back to the Lawyer
So, mum rang Mike Cook and discussed it with him. She was to ring mid-April to discuss new charges.
A Change of Lawyer
However, the next note is in July 1977 when mum referred to ringing a different person , Bruce Wilson, at Mills and Reeve. I don’t know why the person mum dealt with at Mills and Reeve changed. Bruce Wilson is listed in the 1971-72 Kelly’s Tradefinder whereas Mike Cook is not. This perhaps indicates that Bruce Wilson might have been more senior.
He agreed to see her. So, in August 1977, mum met Bruce Wilson instead of Mike Cook. He advised mum to wait until June of next year. I am not completely sure why. That was when I turned 18 but Alan and Liz were younger. However, mum and dad would have been living apart for five years by then. This might be relevant as grounds for divorce then included living apart for two years with the consent of the other spouse or five years without consent. In November 1978, mum wrote to Bruce Wilson at Mills and Reeve and paid them £81.
Mum Took Her Wedding Ring Off
In July 1978, mum took her wedding ring off. I don’t know what prompted this. Perhaps it was linked to having been separated for five years.
An Authority on “Broken Marriage“?
Mum and others may have seen her as some kind of expert or authority on “broken marriages” within the Methodist church. For example, at the District Women’s Fellowship Conference, in April 1976, mum spoke to the speaker Gwen Bell about a leaflet about broken marriages. Gwen asked mum to write down what was needed.
That year, in May, Janet Ward told mum about a friend of hers whose wife had left him. She asked if she could offer any advice. Mum told her, after a long chat, “to tell him to go to work as usual & live a day at a time like Mr Dowson had told me so many times”.
In October 1977, mum got a letter from Auntie Eva, grandad’s sister, saying that Tony Pacey had left her daughter/his wife Carole. I was page boy to Carole when she got married in 1965, see Chapter 89. Mum wrote to her at night.
Offended by How “Broken Marriage” was Discussed at Church
Mum was also sometimes hurt and offended by the way “broken marriage” was discussed in church. For example, in April 1976, she noted that Rev Ken Elworthy had said that “if you have a broken relationship with someone it means your relationship is not right with God”. Mum said she felt very depressed and phoned Malcolm Carter. Malcolm offered to take her to Spixworth and to go for a walk while the car was serviced. She said no partly because she had typing to do but mainly because of what dad might have said. I am not entirely sure what dad would have said about what. Mum noted that Malcolm would come to see her when he got back and that she had done the right thing. I am not entirely sure what that right thing was.
Again, in October 1978, Peter Lemmon apologised to mum for mentioning marriage, and persevering with it, twice in one day. He put his arm round her and said he was sorry. Mum said she brushed it off but then wrote to him. I am not sure what this means. I assume she initially thought nothing of it but later did and put that in writing.
Seeing Conflict in Spiritual Terms
At times, mum appeared to see the conflict between her and dad in spiritual terms. For example, in June 1976, she noted that she prayed for dad’s happiness and meant it. I confess to finding this difficult particularly as it seemed to me that he would have been happier if she had stopped being mean to him.
Areas of Conflict
I recall there being high levels of conflict between mum and dad both before and after they split up. Based on mum’s diaries and my own recollections, there were a number of areas over which there was conflict. Some of these might not have caused conflict on their own but did because of the underlying conflictual relationship. Also, because of where the information comes from, it is biased towards mum and does not explicitly represent dad’s point of view in all this.
Money and Finances
One area that caused a lot of conflict was money, in general, and how much dad should contribute to the family, in particular.
£120 Per Month
I am not sure how the amount dad paid to mum had been calculated and agreed or even if it had. However, by 1976, it seems that dad was paying mum £120 per month. In April 1976, when she spoke to Mike Cook about divorce, mum noted that he thought £120 per month from dad was “very poor indeed”. I am not sure precisely what he said or on what basis he said this. It is pretty clear that mum was unhappy with the amount while dad considered it all he could afford. For example, that same month, when mum and dad were discussing divorce, dad said that he only got £180 per month and this had reduced by £10 per week when he moved to Birmingham.
Reduction to £90 Per Month
In October 1976, after Tricia moved away to start university, mum noted that dad had left her a note saying that, as Tricia had left home, he was going to reduce the money he gave mum by a quarter to £90 per month. Mum said she was very angry but calmed after attending a church service. Later that month, apparently, dad told mum that he would not give her a penny more than £90 per month. She noted that if a court told him to, he would give up his job first. Mum noted, “he looked quite mad”. In January 1977, mum noted that dad had sent her a cheque for £90 and she was angry about this. She did not do anything apart from phoning Rev Dowson in the evening.
House Ownership
Another financial issue over which there was conflict was house ownership. At the start of this period, we were living at 192 College Road, see Chapter 102, a house that dad had never lived in. Nevertheless, it appears that this house was owned jointly.
Dad Agreed to Transfer His Share of the House to Mum
In May 1975, mum noted that dad had said that she could transfer the house into her name “providing it costs him nothing”. I think what was meant here was that dad would transfer his share of the house to mum provided she paid for the process. Of course, this would cost him a lot, half the value of the house. But, I don’t think dad was asking mum to buy him out. From my point of view, I don’t think mum appreciated how generous dad was being on this and that he would have considerable costs in renting or buying himself somewhere to live.
Or Did He?
Mum noted that dad agreed to put this in writing. However, later that month, she noted that he phoned and denied saying that she could have the house. Mum said she was very angry and upset. While I can’t know who agreed to what here, my experience is that mum often thought people agreed with her even when they did not! She often misquoted what they said and misinterpreted what they meant and how they felt.
On the other hand, my dad was not always clear and precise in his communications. I think it is very possible that mum thought he had agreed to something when he had not. Mum would never have even considered that this might be the case or that she had misunderstood dad. One of the things I found most frustrating about mum at that time was that she always thought she was right about everything. If anyone disagreed with her, they were definitely wrong and probably stupid!
Agreement is Reached
Nevertheless, the next month, in June 1975, when mum called at dad’s she noted that he said he would sort out the house with Mr Hare “when he got round to it”, a phrase that I am sure would have irritated mum!
Daynes Chittock and Back
Brian Christopher Hare was a lawyer who was a partner at Daynes Chittock and Back. I assume he had been mum and dad’s lawyer. According to Joe Mason, Daynes Chittock and Back became Daynes Keefe and then part of Evershed before leaving Norwich some time before 1981. I presume this refers to what is now Eversheds Sutherland. They appear to have 11 branches in the UK including in Cambridge and Ipswich.
The House is Transferred to Mum
A month later, in July 1975, mum noted that dad had sent a letter to Mr Hare saying she could have the house. In August 1975, mum noted that she got the deeds of 192 College Road from Mr Hare of Daynes Chittock and Back. She asked them to send her will too. Then, she took the deeds to John Guy at Mills and Reeve. She noted that he was going to draw up the transfer. A few days later, mum got the deeds and transfer from John Guy. She also got the old will from Daynes Chittock and Back. I am not sure why but, at this point, mum seems to have changed lawyers from Daynes Chittock and Back to Mills and Reeve. Perhaps it was transferring from lawyers that had represented her and dad to ones just representing her.
According to mum, in October 1975, dad signed the deeds of the house over to her “at last”. The next month, in November 1975, mum took the transfer forms in to John Guy. About a week later, she had a letter from John Guy but she did not understand it. However, in January 1976, mum had another letter from him telling her that the house was now hers. Apparently, grandma was pleased about this. John Guy charged mum £46 for his work on this.
Further Conflict
Nevertheless, in April 1976, mum noted that until that day she had still trusted dad, although I find this very doubtful, but apparently he denied ever promising her the house for herself and that he was having a house and sharing a mortgage with her. She concluded that he must be ill. This merited two exclamation marks. I am not sure exactly what was said or meant here. I don’t see how dad could deny her the College Road house at this point as it had been legally transferred to her. As far as I know, he was buying a house in Birmingham and perhaps he intended to buy it jointly with mum. But, I can’t see that she would have agreed to this. As far as I know, he had bought a house in London before that but it is possible that he was renting that.
Additional Expenses on Us
In addition to the regular monthly amount dad paid to mum, she also noted specific expenses for us and wondered if dad would pay and, if so, how much.
Riding Lessons
For example, in January 1975, mum noted that Liz went horse riding in Drayton and that this cost 75p per hour. She noted that dad was paying for the first ten lessons.
Clothing Allowance
At the end of January 1975, mum noted that dad was giving Tricia a clothing allowance of £10 per month. I am not sure if this went through mum or directly to Tricia. The former is perhaps implied as mum noted this after she had received a cheque from dad.
School Trip
In February 1975, I discovered that I would not be able to go on an exchange visit to Rouen as it had been decided to take girls only. Instead, Mr Cheeseman, my French teacher, was organising a camping trip for boys at Easter, see Chapter 118. However, mum noted that it would cost £45.50 not £26.25 which presumably would have been the cost of the exchange visit. As dad had apparently said that I could go, mum thought he should pay!
Driving Lessons and Birthday Party
In May 1975, mum noted that dad phoned one evening. Apparently, he agreed to pay for ten lessons for Tricia and would send £10 towards her party “when he’s got it!” I presume the lessons were driving lessons as Tricia turned 17 in May 1975. I expect the phrase “when he’s got it” irritated mum hence the exclamation mark.
Glasses, Trips and Insurance
In November 1975, mum wrote to dad about money for glasses for me and for Tricia’s trips, insurance and medical insurance. However, following dad’s visit, mum decided she would pay for my glasses because of dad’s money problems but she asked him if he could pay something towards Tricia’s driving lessons.
I find this surprisingly understanding of mum. I am not sure exactly what dad’s money problems were but he would have had costs of buying or renting what was essentially a second home and it seems he had a pay cut when he moved to Birmingham. However, on the other hand, he managed to find money to go out for a drink every night and for other activities, such as greyhound racing and speedway. He also gambled but I am not sure how much he spent on this or if it ever became problematic.
In December 1975, dad sent a cheque for £90 plus £20 for Tricia. I presume this was for Tricia’s driving lessons.
Piano Lessons
In March 1977, mum took Liz to see Mr Grainger about piano lessons. A half hour lesson cost £1.50. Mum noted that dad had said he would pay.
Sometimes Dad Bought Us Things Directly
Sometimes dad bought us things directly. For example, also in March 1977, dad took Liz in the city and bought her some riding boots for £7.
Money for Clothes
In April 1977, mum and Alan went in the city to buy him best trousers, jeans, school trousers and a denim jacket. Mum noted that dad was buying him the denim jacket. Later that year, in July 1977, mum noted that dad had written saying he could not let her have any money for clothes for Alan or Liz.
Sailing Course
The next month, in August 1977, mum took Alan to the Norfolk School of Sailing near Martham. She noted that dad had paid £24 for the course and she was covering travel etc.
The Norfolk School of Sailing
I have not definitively identified this school. I have seen that Martham Boats, in association with the Norfolk Broads School of Sailing, still offer sailing tuition.
A New Bike
In April 1978, mum noted buying Alan a new bike for £75. It was a Puch 10-speed. Apparently, dad had promised £30 plus £15 for Alan’s birthday. Mum noted that Alan would pay £20.
I recall having a black, ten-speed Puch racing bike in the seventies, see Chapter 95. I don’t remember Alan having such a bike but it is possible that he did. It is also possible that mum made a mistake and referred to Alan when she meant to refer to me. I think this is less likely not least because I think I had my Puch bike considerably earlier than this. However, I can’t really recall if I had this bike before I had a motorbike or only afterwards. I know I took it to Newcastle when I went to University and used it a lot when I moved out of hall.
Birthdays
My recollections are that dad was not very reliable when it came to sending cards or presents for birthdays but he would often phone up on the day itself and then give a present when we next saw him. If there was something bigger we wanted, I recall mum and dad buying it for us as a joint present. I am sure mum was the one who physically bought it though dad may have given her money towards it.
Tricia’s 18th Birthday
In May 1976, dad phoned and told mum that he wanted to give her half the money towards Tricia’s watch. Rather than being happy about this, mum concluded that he could not be bothered to get her anything.
Mum was very good at remembering birthdays and buying both cards and presents. I can understand that someone who did not do that might appear to her as if they weren’t bothered. But, I think this would be far from the truth in dad’s case. Dad’s way would be much more to do something on the day, e.g. as he did here, phoning up and sending flowers.
Nevertheless, mum said, “I feel rather bitter!” On Tricia’s birthday itself, dad sent her flowers and phoned her at 8am. However, mum noted that he had missed her as she left at 7am for the MAYC weekend.
While mum does not say so explicitly, there is blame implied towards dad for not doing anything until the day and for missing her. I suspect dad could have countered by asking if he knew she was going to the MAYC weekend that early. I think it is pretty reasonable to assume that she would have still been at home at 8am on her birthday. Of course, mobile technology should mean that such issues would not arise today!
My 16th Birthday
In June 1976, mum met me in the city and bought me a guitar from Willsons for my birthday. I am not sure if this refers to W E Willson’s or Willson and Ramshaw, see Chapter 103. The guitar cost £30.79. Apparently, dad had promised to give mum the money. In my diary, I just noted that mum bought me a guitar for my birthday. The next day, I noted that £50 arrived for my guitar, presumably from dad, which left me £18. There is a slight discrepancy in figures recorded by me and by mum. My figures would imply the guitar cost £32.
My 18th Birthday
For my 18th birthday, in June 1978, mum gave me £30 and grandma gave me £20. Mum noted there was “nothing from Roy – yet!!”.
Tricia’s 21st Birthday
In May 1979, mum recorded that she bought Tricia a Singer sewing machine. It cost £99.95 and was reduced from £144.95. She noted that it was from her and dad. She did not say explicitly how much she received from dad for this.
Applying for a Student Grant for Tricia
There were tensions between mum and dad when it came to applying for a student grant etc. for Tricia when she went to University in 1976. In January 1976, mum wrote to dad about forms for Tricia’s travel expenses and grant. Just over a week later, mum received a letter from dad which made her very angry. She wrote two replies but did not think she would send either. The only specific point she made was that he did not answer her question about insurance for Tricia’s violin. It seems unlikely that this was enough to make her so angry. She did write him another letter on the 24th.
In April 1976, mum phoned Mike Cook about Tricia’s grant form. He advised her to fill it in declaring how much dad gave her and noting that they had not lived together since June 1973. It seems likely that dad had not provided her with details of his earnings which presumably she thought she needed to complete this form.
Other Financial Matters
In addition, there were tensions over a range of other financial matters. For example, in August 1976, mum was frustrated that dad had not made any enquiries about Norwich Union medical insurance. I don’t know if this related to holidays or perhaps Tricia starting university. She noted feeling very bitter again and thought that dad just took everything for granted.
Money for O Level Results
I am not sure if dad did the same for my siblings but dad gave me money for my O level results in 1976. I only know about this from my diary. Mum did not mention it. The rate he set was £3 for an A and £1 for a B. I got 4 As and 2Bs. I noted that this gave me £18 which does not appear to add up. But, I had one A and one B from the previous year.
I Asked Dad for Money for a Party
In November 1976, when I was organising a party, I asked dad for some money towards it.
I Also Asked Him to Collect Sponsor Money When I Did a School Sponsored Walk
Also, when I was doing a sponsored walk with school in March 1977, see Chapter 118, I sent my sponsorship form to dad to try to raise some more money.
I Wondered if I Could Borrow Money from Dad or Grandma for a Motorbike
In addition, in May 1977, when I really wanted to buy a motorbike when I turned 17, I considered asking grandma or dad if I could borrow the money. I am not sure if I asked dad but, in the end, I borrowed the money from grandma.
Tension Over Tax Forms
Another financial area of tension was over taxes including completion of tax forms. At the heart of this was reluctance to share financial information with each other. Perhaps underlying this was the issue that the tax system seemed to treat them as one unit although, by this time, they were functioning separately in terms of finances.
Mum’s Tax Rebate Went to Dad
For example, in May 1975, mum noted finding out that her tax rebate, for paying too much tax, was going to dad and that this was about £30. She wrote to him about it. I am not sure what the outcome was.
Dad Completed His Tax Form…
Later that year, in August 1975, mum noted that dad phoned because he was completing his tax form. Mum told him her earnings for the last year.
… But Apparently Was Reluctant to Give Mum Information to Complete Her Tax Form
However, in April 1977, mum had an income tax form to fill in. According to her diary, she rang dad about allowances. He said he would discuss it. When mum asked when, he said 19 December. When she asked why that was, he said “it sounds nice”. Then he said he would not discuss his finances with her and she was not to claim the allowance. Mum noted that she wished she was “free”.
In my diary, I noted that mum was on the phone to dad when I got in… “I could tell due to the angry words and when she’d finished she said that she wanted to talk to me, she only ever talks to me about anything when she sees a chance of getting at dad. They’re really nasty to one another, they go out of their way to be unpleasant and it sometimes makes me wonder why they ever got married.” While this assessment arose because of this specific conflict, it was relevant more generally and summarised my view on the conflicts between them and feeling in the middle of them.
Finance Practicalities
There were also sometimes issues over practicalities of finances, for example when payments were not made or were made late.
At the end of April 1976, mum rang dad to ask where the cheque was. He told her that he had posted this the previous day and had paid 8½p postage, which was the price of a first class stamp then.
At the end of September 1976, mum phoned dad to say that Tricia and I had received cheques but she hadn’t. Dad said he was coming to Norwich in two days. However, when he came, that is when he left a note saying he was reducing the amount he paid mum because Tricia was leaving home to go to university.
In June 1977, mum noted that dad’s cheque came back from the bank as it had not been signed. Two days later, dad sent a new cheque.
Level of Poverty
From what I recall, I don’t think I felt that we were particularly poor. I knew that money was sometimes, even often, tight and this caused mum a lot of anxiety and stress. I knew there were tensions over money from dad and that mum felt she needed to work in order to make ends meet. From my point of view, I don’t think I ever felt deprived of anything. If I wanted something major, I would often get it for a birthday or Christmas. Once I had a Saturday job, I could also buy things I wanted myself.
Free School Dinners
However, in November 1977, mum heard that Alan, Liz and I qualified for free school meals. I assume she had applied for these and that we qualified because she was assessed on her income only plus what she received from dad. Mum also noted that she would give us 50p per week during term-time. I do not recall this but assume she did it because she was saving money on buying dinners.
My Recollections
I do recall getting free school dinners because we got free dinner tickets which I used to sell to my friends to buy chips! However, I had not recalled that I received free school dinners for a very short time only as I left school in the summer of 1978. I don’t recall that there were special free dinner tickets as such. I think everyone having school dinners had to have such a ticket. Presumably, most people paid for theirs. I don’t think there was any cash used at dinner time itself. Apparently, Hewett used the ticket system from 1975 to 1995 and there were different colour tickets for different sittings. It seems that discs for free school dinners were in use in 1987. Apparently, I was not the only one who sold their free dinner tickets!.
Conflict Over Communication
In addition to conflicts over money, mum and dad appeared to have conflicts over communication including, in particular, what mum saw as dad’s lack of communication. For example, in February 1975, mum got two tickets for Wembley from David Finnemore. I believe these were for the League Cup Final between Norwich and Aston Villa, see Chapter 123. She tried to phone dad about this but there was no answer.
Dad’s perceived lack of communication sometimes meant he did things that mum was not expecting. For example, in March 1975, she noted that he arrived unexpectedly in the evening. This was a Monday and she had (reluctantly) agreed that he should come for tea on Tuesday.
There were also issues when dad communicated directly with us and mum thought she was being excluded. I recall finding this particularly difficult as I did not like reporting to one what the other had told me.
Different Lifestyle Choices
A lot of the conflicts that arose revolved around the very different lifestyle choices mum and dad had made. From memory, these related particularly to church and drinking.
In October 1975, mum noted that dad went out for a drink at 11pm but she did not know where he had gone. It was pretty much dad’s standard practice to go out about 10.30pm. I think for him the pub was a key place for social interaction in the same way church was for mum. The very idea of going out at this time was completely alien to mum. I am not sure why mum thought dad needed to tell her where he was going.
In March 1976, I met dad in a pub. While not explicitly stated, I can sense mum’s disapproval! I also noted going to the pub with dad at lunch time and in the evening the following day. Mum noted this too.
Access to Us Children
There were conflicts between mum and dad about interactions with us children, particularly related to how much access to us mum was allowing dad. In September 1976, mum noted that she had received a letter from dad saying that she had cut him off from the children, especially Tricia. I don’t know exactly what this letter said but this is mum’s take on it. Mum noted that she was very upset and turned to Malcolm Carter.
Allegations
Mum also sometimes made allegations about actions which to me amounted to intrusion into private matters.
Reading Letters
For example, in April 1976, mum noted that she knew dad had read her letters because they had been disturbed. Could there have been other reasons why they were disturbed? Could mum have misremembered how she left them? I am surprised mum left her letters where dad could access them.
The next day, dad denied reading mum’s “things”. Nevertheless, she said this had destroyed “any tiny respect I had for him”. She said that if he had admitted it and “jeered” at her, she would have thought more of him. I find this doubtful! I think if dad said he did not read her letters, I would believe him. From what I recall, mum had little, if any, respect for dad by this stage.
Taking a Letter
Sometimes, mum made such allegations when dad was not there so presumably they were directed at one of us. In June 1976, mum noted that a letter she had written to grandma had disappeared. I have no idea why any one of us would want to take a letter to grandma. It seems much more likely to me that mum had misplaced it. She wondered who had it. So, she wrote again.
She noted that Tricia went out at night to see Ann and was very secretive and objected to telling mum. This was written directly after the bit about the missing letter. I am not sure if mum was accusing Tricia of taking it but she certainly seems to be. I find it hard to believe that was the case although it might depend on what the letter said!
Stealing Stamps
On 17 November 1979, mum was sorting through her first day covers and presentation packs. She found that several were missing from when she had last checked them in June. She placed their value at £70 and noted she was very worried.
The next day, she found that several mint stamps were missing and this raised the value of the missing stamps to £120. On the 19th, she phoned dad about the stamps. On the 20th, she found that another presentation pack was missing. She phoned dad again but they agreed to leave it until Alan had finished his exams the next day. She would then ask Alan and Liz again which implies that she had already asked them. As Tricia and I were away at university at this time, suspicion seemed to be falling on Alan and Liz!
On the 21st, mum asked Alan and Liz about the stamps and they both denied it. Dad then rang and he asked them about it. Mum then reported the matter to the police. The police investigated and apparently found that the builder, Mr P Claxton, had taken them. I’m not sure how this was determined or what the final conclusion was.
The Conflicts Between Mum and Dad Caused Me Anxiety
The conflicts that mum and dad had before, during and after this period caused me a great deal of anxiety. For example, in October 1976, I noted that mum and dad had a row and that “dad went off cross”. I was worried about him driving to Birmingham but he got there safely as he telephoned. Mum described this as her and dad “having a talk” in which he “raked up the past”. I am not entirely sure what was discussed but it seems there was ongoing conflict over past events and actions.
My Conflicts with Mum
It is clear from the diaries that my relationship with mum was pretty difficult at this time and that is my recollection too. While some of this was what I would consider normal teenage rebellion, some of it did relate directly to my interactions with dad and the level of underlying conflict there was between mum and dad.
In addition, these were not completely separate issues. There were links between my interactions with dad and issues of teenage rebellion because I felt he was more understanding of the teenage issues, e.g. not wanting to go to church, drinking, not telling my parents everything etc.
There were also issues of proximity. Because, I lived with my mum, I was more likely to have conflict with her than with my dad who I only saw periodically. Regardless of the underlying causes, I felt closer to my dad during my teenage years and blamed my mother more for their relationship breakdown.
Conflicts Over My Interactions With Dad
Not Telling Her What Dad Said to Me
In terms of conflict arising with mum because of my interactions with dad, in February 1975, dad rang to speak to me. Mum noted that she did not know what we spoke about. Clearly, she was annoyed about this. I still don’t think the responsibility was on me to tell her. The fact that this was mum’s expectation just shows the problems there were in communication between mum and dad. During this period, and for a very long time afterwards, I felt stuck in the middle of these.
“Gloating” Over Hotel Damage
Similarly, in April 1975, mum noted that I was back from France and that “he can’t wait to go to London to tell Roy things he can’t tell me. He gloats over damage they did in hotels. What should I do?” I find this pretty difficult but it does illustrate that I got on better with my dad at this time than I did with my mum.
I Felt My Dad Understood Me Better
As mentioned above, no doubt, this was partly a matter of proximity. But, I also felt that dad was more understanding of being a teenager and less rigid and strait-jacketed than my hyper-religious mother! I think this is a case in point. I certainly would not have described myself as “gloating over damage done”. But, we did have fun and no doubt there were some high jinks involved! I think it is pretty clear that my mother couldn’t understand this whereas I felt my dad did.
Dad Sometimes Spoke to Me When Mum Wanted Him to Speak to Her
Also in April 1975, dad rang. Mum was expecting him to respond to a letter she had sent him. But, he did not. He simply asked her to fetch me which she did. Clearly, she did not like this and I probably did not help as I would almost certainly not have told her what dad spoke to me about!
“You’re Always So Right No Wonder Dad Left You!“
In July 1975, mum noted that I had been to a disco, had lost my sunglasses and was very cross with her. Apparently, I said “Dad would have understood” and “You’re always so right no wonder dad left you“. Mum noted that she “Cried and cried in bed. What can I do with him?.”
While I would not rely completely on what mum wrote as an accurate record of what I actually said, I do think it is possible I would have said something like this. I was only 15 at the time. I found mum impossible to live with and part of the problem was that she always thought she was right. This was part of the reason why I was keen to move out when I went to university. I did and I never lived with mum again, although I did stay there for short periods from time to time.
Taking Dad’s Side
In June 1976, mum described me as a “bit difficult” because I took dad’s side. I think this is at the heart of a lot of the conflict I had with mum at that time and subsequently. She saw things in terms of “sides”. Were you on her side or dad’s? I hated this. I wanted to get on well with both parents and did not wish to take sides with either one of them in what I essentially saw as their conflict.
No doubt, I did not always succeed. At this time, it is true that I probably took my dad’s side more than mum’s while, in the eighties, I probably sided more with my mum and blamed my dad! It was only considerably later that I developed what I think is a more balanced view, that they both had responsibility for the conflict and it certainly was not my fault.
Telling Dad’s Things That I Did Not Tell Mum
In August 1978, mum noted that dad phoned and told her that I had gone to France on my own. I sense mum was unhappy because I had gone to France on my own and because the message came from dad and not direct from me. I went on my own because the friend I was going with pulled out at the last minute, see Chapter 122.
Thankfully, I don’t think dad told her the whole story. Not only had I gone to France on my own but I was hitchhiking round Europe on my own!! I was inspired by Ken Walsh’s book “Hitch-hiker’s Guide to Europe”, see Chapter 92. .
Visits to Newcastle
In May 1979, mum noted that she came to Newcastle for my baptism, see Chapter 124. She came and went back on the same day and noted that dad stayed overnight. This statement could perhaps be taken at face value but any comparison between how I interacted with her and dad still makes me feel on edge! I think the date of my baptism was difficult for mum as she was in London the previous day for a Coeliac Meeting and the following day for an Association of Medical Secretaries (AMS) study day. So, I suspect it was her decision to go and come back the same day.
Failing to Phone Mum When I had Said I Would
In September 1979, mum noted that I went to Birmingham and said I would ring in the evening but I didn’t. I don’t know what happened here. I think the most likely explanation is that mum thought I had said I would ring in the evening when I hadn’t. But, it is possible that I had said I would call and simply forgot. I suspect mum would interpret this as being on dad’s side against her!!
Normal Family Conflicts
Nevertheless, some of the conflicts were, to me, normal family conflicts particularly between a teenager and their parents. I am not sure mum was particularly well-equipped to handle these. I am sure she would have argued that she was dealing with these issues alone and that neither she nor my siblings behaved like I did when they were my age.
Conflict Between Siblings
In January 1976, mum noted that I lost my temper with Tricia and “I had to come between them to stop him hitting her. What should I do?” On mum’s birthday, in September 1976, mum noted that the children argued when she was opening her presents. She blamed me in particular.
What Time Do You Call This?
In September 1976, mum was concerned that I was out at a party and was not back by 11.30. She did not know what to do. I came in about 12.20 and she told me it was too late. According to her I was cross. However, although I noted going to this party in my diary, I did not mention any conflict with mum or being cross. The next day, after mum got back from a church event, she wondered if I was still cross. She noted that I was very quiet but also that I was watching football on TV. If I was watching football, I would have been quiet as I would not wanted to talk because I would have been concentrating on the game. I didn’t note any of this except that I watched the football!
Conflicts Over Watching TV
In December 1976, I got into trouble and could not watch a film on television that I wanted to. I am not entirely sure what film this was but it may have been “Return of the Seven” starring Yul Brynner and Robert Fuller which was on BBC1 at 6.40 or “The Assassination Bureau” which was on ITV at 6.15. I said I was going to but in the end I went out and watched the film at my friend Everard’s. This is an example of going out when there was a conflict! Mum described it that I “walked out”.
Where Are You Going?
In January 1977, mum noted that I went to a party but I would not say where. From my diary, it was at the Louis Marchesi. I am not surprised I did not tell mum it was at a pub. She would not have approved, not least because I was still 16. I recall going to quite a number of parties there. The pub was first named the Louis Marchesi in 1976, after the founder of the Round Table Great Britain and Ireland. The Round Table used to meet there. The name was revived in 2017. The part of the pub I remember was a downstairs basement that is now known as The Crypt.
General Anxiety
In January 1977, mum noted that she was worried about me and had written to dad about it. I am not sure of the specific reason for her anxiety! She did note that I had gone to another party.
This one was at the University Arms. Located on South Park Avenue, this pub operated from 1961 to 1997 when it was demolished and replaced with houses. For some of that period, it traded as the Jekyll and Hyde.
Critical of Meals
In April 1977, mum noted that Tricia and I were “criticising meals all time”.
Cross All the Time
In July 1977, mum complained that I seemed cross all the time. I did not note anything about this in my diary. It is pretty clear that this was mum’s perception and was not shared by others, e.g. at school.
Awkward
In August 1977 when mum got back from Lindors, she noted that she was tired and that I was “awkward”. I don’t mention this but I had had a slight accident on my motorbike, which I probably did not mention to mum, so perhaps this was on my mind.
Thoughtless and Inconsiderate?
In May 1978, mum wanted to go to the Lord Mayor’s Procession but she did not as only I was going and she did not want to walk back alone. I sense she blamed me for not walking back with her. I suspect offering to do so would never have crossed my mind! Although the Lord’s Mayor Procession dates back to medieval times, the procession in its modern format first took place in 1977.
I Found Conflicts with Mum Wearing and Tiring
I found my conflicts with mum extremely difficult, wearing and tiring. In November 1976, I got up late as I was not feeling well. I noted that mum was cross because the TV was not working and that, after only having been up for half an hour, I felt quite tired! I am pretty sure I was not responsible for the problems with the TV but, in my view, mum had a tendency to blame me for everything that was wrong regardless of whether I was responsible or not!
Coping Strategies
I developed a number of ways of coping with these conflicts. Mostly, I would go out and spend time with my friends, who, at the time, were more important to me than family.
Also, I found if I could just act normally and pretend everything was OK, mum would tend to do the same and we would not need to face up to the conflict. So, for example, in September 1976, mum noted having an argument with me and then that I was very nice. The next day, she noted I was nice and helpful all day. In July 1977, mum noted that she and I had an argument at teatime but I then went out on my motorbike and was nice when I got back. did not mention the argument in my diary. My concern was that my motorbike battery was flat so presumably I went out to charge it. She seems to assume that I went out on my motorbike because I was cross, but, from my point of view, this was not the case.
Mum and I Did Sometimes Seem to Get on OK
There were some times when we appeared to get on reasonably well. These appear to feature less frequently in the diaries than do the conflicts. This may be because they were less frequent but it could also be that the conflicts were more unusual and so more noteworthy.
For example, in October 1976, mum noted speaking to me for about an hour about money, dad and my career. She was able to do this because she did not go to her church Young Wives meeting. One observation would be that such conversations were possible when mum took time off from her church activities to spend time with us. Also, I suspect such a conversation was possible because I probably agreed with mum and did not challenge any of her views on that occasion. For example, one of the things she said I said was that she should keep asking dad for money. Clearly, a view she agreed with! She mentioned that she enjoyed talking to me. However, although this talk was important to mum, I did not note it in my diary. I was more concerned about having watched Manchester United beat Juventus 1-0!
Different Perspectives on Conflicts
During the period I was keeping a diary, it is clear that different conflicts registered with us in differing ways. Some examples have been given above.
Cross with Me
In another example, in March 1976, I noted in my diary that mum was cross with me in the morning. However, mum did not mention this in her diary at all.
An Argument, Me Being Awkward or Mum Picking on Me
In October 1976, mum commented that I was awkward at tea time. I referred to it as an argument and noted “its probably my imagination but she seems to pick on me”.
Cross and Unwilling to Talk
In June 1977, mum was due to meet me at the station at 11.55 but when she got there the train was already in so she went round the city looking for me. She found me but said I was cross and unwilling to talk. I don’t mention this issue at all. I just said I caught the train home. My suspicion is that it was mum who was cross and that she wanted to “talk” to me and I just kept quiet.
In Trouble for Walking Home
That same month, in June 1977, I went to the second day of the Royal Norfolk Show. I walked home as I thought mum had already left but she had not and she was annoyed with me as she had waited for me. I noted that mum had two guests in the evening so I escaped relatively unscathed. Mum’s version was initially that I did not come back to the tent but she then said I did and “we missed him somehow”. She noted that I walked home and she was annoyed and upset.
Mum Was Upset and Disappointed Because I Did Not Get into Cambridge
In December 1977, I heard that I had not got into Cambridge. Mum said that both she and I were very upset.
I am not sure this is true! I don’t think I had expected to get in. This was something I had noted in my diary entry of 6 September 1977. I knew it was really hard to get in anywhere for medicine and, by this stage, I already had an offer of a place from Newcastle.
I don’t really know why mum was upset. My recollection was more that she was disappointed that I had not got in. In my view, it was typical that she noted that I did not get offered a place at Cambridge but did not note when I was offered a place in Newcastle.
Given her likely upset and disappointment, she would have been one of the last people I wanted to speak to about this. Rather than helping me to deal with any disappointment I might have had, I am sure the focus of any conversation would have been on how upset and disappointed she was!!
She wrote, “he wouldn’t tell me or talk to me but I guessed. He went to Andrew’s for tea, came in about 8 & went to bed at 9. I tried to talk & he told me to go away. Rang Malcolm at teatime.” In my view, she may well have guessed wrongly. My behaviour all fits with me trying to avoid mum when I knew she was upset and disappointed
I Felt Mum Picked on Me Unfairly
I did feel that mum picked on me unfairly whereas others, particularly Alan, seemed to get away with anything!
Making a Mess and Unplugging the Fridge/Blamed for Everything
In February 1977, after school, I painted a radiator. I think this was the radiator in my room. Mum does not mention me or the conflict but simply notes that she put my radiator back on. I noted that I got into trouble with mum for making a mess and for unplugging the fridge when I meant to unplug the radio. I felt that “I got blamed for everything else as well”.
A Cassette Player That Did Not Work Very Well
In March 1977, mum noted that I had dropped the radio/cassette player and she needed to take it to Suttons next Friday. I noted that the day had not gone very well. One thing was that I had managed to damage the tape recorder.
In April 1977, Malcolm came at night for Tricia to record Colin Morris but she “had to use a cassette recorder which Roger had borrowed & it wasn’t too good”.
At this point, Colin Morris was President of the Methodist Conference. Mum had heard him speak at Chapelfield Road Methodist Church on 21 March 1977. Malcolm Carter had made a recording and it is this mum wanted to copy for Tricia I think.
I didn’t mention this in my diary. It seems to me that I was still being blamed for the accident with the radio/cassette player. I don’t seem to have been given any credit for having borrowed another one. I suspect that however good the replacement had been, mum would have found some fault with it!
Assumptions About Drinking and Driving
In July 1977, I went to a party and mum complained that I would not tell her whose it was or where. Mum said she dared not ask too many questions. I find this comment difficult because my recollection is, like many teenagers, that I was barraged with questions about what I was doing, where I was going and who I was with. On this occasion, there was probably no good reason not to tell her but I resented having to!
Mum also said “wish he wouldn’t drink when he’s on his motorbike. What can I do?”. I still feel incensed by this comment as I never drank while on my motorbike but I feel it was typical of mum to assume that I did. I didn’t! On that particular occasion, I went to Edward Percival’s party at Fundenhall, a village about 13 miles south west of Norwich. I wrote “I don’t know whether I’m getting old-fashioned or if I was just not in a party mood but the way everybody acted seemed a bit degrading. Everyone was getting aggressive and being sick and everybody making obvious passes. It might just have been that I was sober”.
The Final Straw?
Inconsiderate/Persistent Nagging
In August 1977, I noted that mum got really cross with me… “called me all sorts of things, said I was inconsiderate to her and if I didn’t change she’d throw me out, afterwards she apologised but I have had enough she’s always nagging me.” Mum also noted this row.
She Wrote to My Headmaster About This
What I hadn’t known was that she wrote to the overall head of Hewett School, Dr Roy, see Chapter 118, about it as she just didn’t know how to deal with me.
It still annoys me that she wrote to my headteacher about this! I don’t recall him doing anything about it. It was school holidays at the time. When school restarted, on 5 September 1977, I did meet with Dr Roy but this was about my role as Deputy Head Boy and was a meeting with other senior prefects. My recollection was that my behaviour at school was always considered good and was in marked contrast with what my behaviour was reported to be at home.
Forget and Move On?
The following day, mum noted that I refused to speak to her all day. I noted “mum tried to get me to say I’d forget about last night but I don’t think I can.”
Wanting to Get Away
I found it a repeated pattern of behaviour that I just wanted to get away from! I am not sure if this was a particular turning point. It seems so from the diaries but I don’t recall one. However, by the time I was finishing school, I was desperate to leave home. Going to university provided the ideal way to do this without making a scene. I told my friends, half joking, that I was going to Newcastle to get as far away from home as possible!! In truth, it was the only offer I received although I knew that was likely to be the case as I placed it second after Cambridge in my order of priorities.
Acting as if the Matter was Over
Two days later, mum noted that I was more talkative at night . She commented that this was “lovely”. I did not note anything. I think mum thought the matter was over but for me it was not. Similarly, about a week later, she said I was nice and chatty and this was lovely. I did not mention this.
Did My Siblings Have Similar Issues?
While I cannot speak for my siblings, it does appear that they experienced similar issues to me although perhaps to a lesser degree.
While it is possible that this is the case, it is also possible that the conflicts I had with mum featured more because I was the one keeping a diary. My recollection is that my relationship with mum was probably the most difficult among the siblings. In general, Tricia was closer to mum than dad. Alan seemed to manage to get on well with everyone. Liz did have major conflicts with mum but these were mostly later than this period.
Back row – Alan and me
Front row – Liz, Tricia and Angus. Tricia met Angus Carrick at Cambridge University and they later married
Tricia
Issues with Dad
It appears that Tricia had some issues with dad and was perhaps closer to mum. In December 1975, mum noted that dad wanted Tricia to go to Birmingham to help him house hunt. Mum also noted that Tricia did not want to go but felt she should. She went on 2 January 1976 coming back the next day.
As noted above, in September 1976, mum noted that she had received a letter from dad saying that she had cut him off from the children, especially Tricia.
Forced to Choose Between Parents
At the end of September 1976, mum told Tricia that she had to decide who she wanted to take her to university in Cambridge. Mum wondered if she would be able bear it if Tricia chose dad. To me, this seems very unfair to expect Tricia to make such a decision.
Offer to Help Mum with Money
Tricia must have known mum was worried about money as she offered her some of her money if she was short. She offered to leave her a signed slip and her bank book.
Conflicts with Mum
However, Tricia did also sometimes have conflicts with mum.
An Example
In January 1976, mum noted that Tricia was “very short” with her and went in the city in the afternoon. When she hadn’t returned by 5 past 6, mum was very worried. Mum’s high levels of anxiety were a factor in conflicts I experienced with her. She had very precise expectations over timekeeping.
So, when Tricia came in five minutes later, mum was cross with her. Tricia reacted and “went upstairs and didn’t speak again”. Mum then typed a bit hoping she would come in but she did not so mum wrote a note at 9.30 “to say I was sorry etc.” Mum was not very good at dealing with these conflicts. She either ignored them or wrote notes like these.
The next day, mum noted that Tricia was “back to old self – thank goodness”. While this may be the case, it might have been that Tricia just decided to act normally. As noted above, this was a strategy I used but it did not mean that the underlying conflict had been resolved.
Too Many Late Nights
In May 1976, mum told Tricia that she thought she was having too many late nights. Mum noted that she was not cross but Tricia was. Mum wrote a note later to try to explain how she felt. In general, these notes, particularly if written when mum was upset or angry were rarely helpful in my experience. The next day, mum noted that Tricia had ignored her note.
At the end of that month, May 1976, mum told Tricia that she had only been in bed before 11.30 once in the last nine. Apparently, Tricia just “sort of laughed”. Mum was not sure what to do.
Accused Over a Letter
As noted above, at the end of June 1976, mum stated that a letter she had written to grandma seemed to have disappeared. She appeared to suspect Tricia.
Irritable
In September 1976, mum was concerned that Tricia had been out with Liz Cowell and that she came in about 10pm and went to bed very irritable. But, on the 8th, she said that Tricia was “nice & chatty”.
In December 1976, mum noted that Tricia and I were irritable. She thought Tricia was irritable after having received a letter or card from Angus.
Harvest Festival Issues
At the end of September 1978, mum noted that Tricia would not stay at the Harvest Festival as there were not enough seats. Apparently, Angus got cross with mum but apologised later.
Tricia and I Had Conflicts Between Us
Also, Tricia and I also experienced a fair degree of conflict.
Sibling Rivalry?
Some of this was just normal sibling rivalry but I think this was exacerbated by parental conflict and that Tricia tended to “side” with mum while I “sided” with dad at that time.
Examples
At the beginning of June 1976, I noted that Tricia seemed very bad-tempered. Ten days later, I noted that I had an argument with Tricia and that dad had gone to the pub. Mum also noted this argument. She thought Tricia had tormented me and I had hit her. Mum was cross and then upset. Tricia went out and mum was worried about her and did not go out as a result. Mum described me as difficult and quiet.
In August 1977, I wrote that “Tricia is a pain, she is very bossy and when you don’t do what she says she sulks. She is sulking at the moment. I couldn’t give a damn.” Oddly perhaps, that day, mum noted I was nice and chatty!
Later that month, I noted that Tricia was annoyed with me. Three days later, when I got back from a few days sailing with a friend I noted “Tricia more or less told me I wasn’t wanted and although the others weren’t too bad my welcome home wasn’t rapturous so to avoid trouble I went out with Gary & Andrew to see the film “The Spy who Loved Me“”
In September 1977, I went to study at the city library because Tricia was making too much noise. A few days later, mum was in hospital. I visited and told her that Tricia and I were not getting on and I would be glad when she was home.
Conflicts Involving Alan Were Rare
There are very few incidents recorded of conflicts involving my brother, Alan. He was a very easygoing person who somehow managed to get along pretty well with everyone.
Argument Over Holidays
However, in May 1976, I noted that Alan and mum argued about holidays.
Argument Over Dinner
In August that year, I noted that Alan and I had argued. My take on it was that he had not bothered to tell me anything about who was coping with dinner. In the end, I did not have any.
Cross?
In November 1979, mum noted that she panicked when Alan was not back from the Wrights at quarter to 1. Tricia told mum that Alan was cross with her because she and Angus had not brought him home in the car. But, mum noted that he wasn’t. If Alan told mum he was not cross, I think she believed him. However, I don’t believe the same was true in my case!
Liz
Conflicts with Mum Escalated Over Time
There were quite a few conflicts recorded between Liz and my mum. These worsened a lot after this period and ended in an irretrievable breakdown of their relationship.
Examples
In May 1976, I noted that mum and Liz (I called her Lizzy) argued but that they later went to Liz’s school concert together. Mum did not note this.
However, in October 1976, Liz went swimming after school and got back at 7.25. Mum was cross with her but did not say why.
In November 1976, I noted that Liz was cross with mum one day when she got up as it was 9.30 and she would be late for school. Then Alan pointed out that it was Sunday!! I was still in bed.
Relationship with Gary Tidy
One issue that caused conflict between mum and Liz was Liz’s relationship with Gary Tidy. They later married and they are still married.
Age Difference
I think the underlying issue, although this was not stated explicitly in these diaries, was an age difference. Gary is slightly older than me and Liz is five years my junior.
Peter Lemmon Raised Concerns
On 16 March 1979. Which was Liz’s 14th birthday, the then Minister of St Peter’s Park Lane, Peter Lemmon, came to see mum. According to mum’s diary, he was concerned that Gary had twice been before the courts and “the way E & he behaved in public didn’t leave much for private”. Mum wrote to dad about this.
Mum Also Discussed the Issue with Ken Tickle
At the end of April 1979, Ken Tickle spoke to mum about Liz. He was a friend of mum’s from St Peter’s Park Lane and was, I believe, also a teacher at Earlham School, the school Liz attended, see Chapter 118. Apparently, she had been asked to swim for the school but had refused. Mum spoke to her about this and her relationship with Gary. According to mum, Liz said she wasn’t good enough to swim for the school and she knew that Gary had been before the courts once.
Mum wrote to Ken “putting her case” and saying that she would support Liz. I really don’t know why mum felt she had to write. Also, based on my knowledge of my mother, I sense she was saying she supported Liz when she really didn’t. Mum also asked for “advice etc.” and noted that she felt very depressed and lonely. In May 1979, at Tricia’s 21st birthday party, mum noted “what a problem there with Gary & E!”. She did not elaborate what the problem was.
In General, I Felt I Got on Well with Liz
In my view, Liz and I got on well at that time. She was the sibling to whom I felt closest, not least because, after me, she seemed to have the most problems with mum!
Some Conflicts Over TV
Nevertheless, we did have some conflicts. In November 1976, Liz got cross because mum supported me when I wanted to watch football. I think this was “Match of the Week which was shown on Anglia on Sunday afternoon at 2pm. Liz claimed that I always watched football and always got to watch what I wanted. I noted that this was not true as I had not watched football the previous two weeks and I missed “The Brothers” so that she could watch “Hawaii Five O”.
image licensed for re-use from Alamy
Apparently, Liz said I wasn’t really interested in the football anyway even though it was Norwich v Aston Villa. I liked all football but particularly wanted to watch matches involving Norwich. On this occasion, Norwich and Aston Villa drew 1-1. I noted that she tried to antagonise me by playing “Joseph” as loudly as possible in the other room but I ignored her. I felt she was touchy again in the evening. In February 1977, I noted that Liz was difficult again and concluded that she was “getting to be very troublesome”.
Derogatory Language
Some of the language mum used to describe dad in her diary was extremely derogatory and illustrates the level of animosity there was and which we experienced at this time. For example, on 11 March 1975, mum wrote “Roy arrived unexpectedly in evening. Long hair & moustache – completely repulsive & revolting. The shock upset me”. I am not sure if the shock mum experienced was because dad turned up unexpectedly or because of his appearance.
In October 1975, when dad stayed, she noted that he had no teeth in which “makes him even more repulsive”. Two days before Christmas 1979, when dad came to stay, mum wrote “ugh – he gets fatter than ever”.
I confess to finding these word very difficult. They seem unduly cruel and personal to me.
A Confusing Relationship
Sometimes, the relationship between mum and dad was extremely confusing to me and them! Despite the underlying conflict and animosity, there were times when they seemed to get on OK, even well. At those times, I thought that perhaps some form of reconciliation was possible. Sadly, these times were few and far between.
A Meal
In November 1975, dad asked mum to go out for a meal with him. She said “I can’t understand him”. Perhaps confusingly, she also noted that he was out most of the time “thank goodness”.
Moving to Birmingham?
According to mum, dad had thought of asking us to go to Birmingham because he missed us children and found money difficult. Mum told him she couldn’t. I don’t recall this ever being discussed with me!
Concerned about Health
Dad was still concerned about mum’s health and wellbeing. In August 1976, after mum had had surgery for a kidney stone, he phoned to see how she was.
A “Quite Reasonable” Letter
In November 1976, mum noted getting a letter from dad that was “quite reasonable”. She responded by inviting him to come to stay at Christmas.
Loneliness and “Longings“
During this period, mum often described feeling lonely or very lonely. In his letter of January 1979, Rev Dowson wrote “I can well understand the periods of intense loneliness coming…” Mum also noted having “longings”. These “longings” may have been of a physical nature but were also for intimacy with “someone” or “someone special” who she could share everything with. In his letter of January 1979, Rev Dowson notes “it is natural for you to have your longings. It’s worse for you than a spinster…. She had not known the joys you have; that’s why a widow or widower or divorced person seeks to get married again – to recapture what has been lost”.
Loneliness Affected Mum’s Social Life
Although mum enjoyed an active social life, she often noted that her enjoyment of social events was affected by her feelings of loneliness which were often intense.
For example, in May 1978, she went with a friend to the theatre. She thought it had been very good but she noted “gosh how lonely I am”. After a similar theatre trip with grandma and Auntie Dolly in June 1978, she thought it had been “marvellous, absolutely wonderful” but continued “if only there had been “someone” special there too! When will I meet him? Ever?” She quite often expressed frustration that everyone else seemed to have someone so “why can’t I meet someone?”
Distinguishing Loneliness and “Longings“
While mum often described loneliness and “longings” together, she did distinguish between them. For example, in May 1976, after she had been to a Luncheon Club Dinner with church friends, she noted that she was lonely but then said “not actually – just longings”.
Mental Health Effects
Often, loneliness and these “longings” had an effect on mum’s mental health leading her to describing herself variedly as depressed, anxious or worried, see Chapter 116.
Factors Which Worsened Mum’s Loneliness
While the underlying cause of mum’s loneliness was the breakdown of her relationship with dad, she did note factors which seemed to make her loneliness worse.
Most of Her Friends Were Couples
Mum considered that all of her friends had “someone”. While this was probably true for most of her friends, this was not universally the case. In March 1975, after she had been to a church meeting at the house of her friends, Heather and John Ferguson, she considered that everyone had “someone” while she only had the church.
I struggle with this statement and find it quite hurtful as, of course, mum had us her children. It could be argued that we could not provide the close, intimate, grown-up interaction that she perhaps craved. But, I still finding her “ranking” the church above us problematic!
Holidays Made Mum Feel More Lonely
Mum often felt particularly lonely when on holiday and perhaps this was not helped by the type of holidays she took. She tended to go to Christian Guild Holiday locations, see Chapter 122, and these perhaps tended to attract couples.
Perhaps oddly, one of her expectations with these holidays appears to have been that she might meet “someone”. But, this did not really happen not least because very few men on their own came on these holidays. In July 1978, on arriving at Sidholme, mum noted that everyone had someone “except strange odd man”. Sidholme was one of the Christian Guild’s hotels in Sidmouth. It was sold to new owners in 2021.
In August 1979, while on holiday, mum noted that people from Sidholme last year arrived but there was “no-one particular”. I don’t know if this means that there had been someone particular.
Mum’s Social Contacts Were Mainly Through Church
One of the issues which I think contributed to mum’s loneliness was that almost all her social activities were church-related. I think it is probably true to say that such activities attracted couples and women on their own. In addition, the norms of the church focused on lifelong marriage so discussion of problems within marriage, particularly when severe, was probably difficult and/or discouraged. Certainly it is true that mum often commented on how lonely she was after church events, such as Boys’ Brigade dances, socials etc.
Medicine Side-effects?
On one occasion, mum wondered if the mounting “longings” she was experiencing might be related to the medicine Sinequan. This was the brand name for Doxepin, a tricyclic antidepressant. I am not sure why she thought that the mounting “longings” she was experiencing were related to this medicine.
Television Programmes
Sometimes, the television programmes mum watched made things worse. In April 1976, mum noted that her “longings” were very strong and that watching “Hadleigh” hadn’t helped.
Friends Getting Married
Another thing which made mum more depressed and lonely was when she heard that friends of hers were getting married. For example, in January 1978, mum heard that Cecil was remarrying and this seems to have made her very depressed.
Some Things Helped Mum With Her Loneliness
Prayer?
Sometimes, mum prayed about her feelings of loneliness. For example, in July 1976, she described praying a “prayer of helplessness”. This is one of the eight types of prayer identified by Catherine Marshall in her book “Adventures in Prayer” which mum read a month earlier in June 1976. I am not sure it helped much.
Physical Activity
I think physical activity, such as walking, may have helped mum’s mood but she did not often describe this. In October 1976, mum described feeling very depressed and she “walked with it round the cemetery”. I am not entirely sure what she meant but it seemed to help.
Someone to Talk To
Perhaps the biggest help mum found in relation to overcoming the loneliness she felt was having someone who she could talk to in depth about how she was feeling. Based on Rev Dowson’s letter to her in January 1979, it seems that she described it as someone to whom she could explode” and who would understand.
In May 1975, she was feeling very down. She noted that Rev Dowson phoned briefly and she felt better because “someone had bothered about me”. However, these open conversations did make the “longings to share with someone” stronger.
Rev Frederick Rodham Dowson
Rev Frederick Rodham Dowson had been Minister at St Peter’s Park Lane and, by the late seventies, he was Methodist Minister in Selsey. It appears he was born in 1912 and died in 2011.
Reasons Why People Did Not Seek Mum’s Company?
In August 1975, while on holiday, mum wrote Rev Dowson a letter asking him if there was any reason why people didn’t seek her company. However, she was not sure if she should send the letter. I don’t think I have seen a response from him on this specifically. However, in his letter of January 1979, he appears to counsel gently against seeking to be too intense too quickly. He says, when a man… or a woman… falls in love, they don’t first ask about age and occupation and any marital ties, they fall in love. If they go on beyond that to express it, then it’s because they are told some of these things”.
I am not sure if it was true that people did not seek her company. At this time, and throughout her life, mum had a wide circle of friends including some good, close friends. However, my observation would be that mum could be very intense and focused on herself. People could find this off-putting.
For example, if someone asked how she was, she might answer in depth often negatively. This might be fine if the person was really asking how she was but could be overwhelming if it was just part of a general greeting. In his letter of January 1979, Rev Dowson seems to counsel her gently on this issue saying that because she was in a better position than she was five to seven years ago, “I don’t think you need to turn to anyone in Norwich now with all the full story”.
Particularly towards the end of her life, she could come across as quite negative and rude and, it is perhaps not surprising that her circle of active friends dwindled dramatically then.
Other Causes of Depression and Anxiety
While loneliness was a major factor in mum feeling depressed and anxious, it was not the only factor. Other factors included:
Poor Experience of Church and Church Activities
Poor experiences of church and church activities sometimes caused mum to feel depressed and anxious. For example, in September 1975, mum went to choir practice and she described it as “simply terrible”. She said she was depressed before she went and very depressed when she got back, see Chapter 124.
Us, Her Children
Issues about us which sometimes depressed and worried mum included our health, our relationships and our activities. This seems to have been mainly my activities, including going to parties and wanting to have a moped/motorbike.
Dad and His Visits
Sometimes, mum noted feeling depressed and anxious about dad and his visits. For example, when dad said he was visiting from Christmas Eve in 1975 and would stay until New Year, mum noted feeling very depressed about this. In October 1976, mum noted feeling depressed. One factor appears to have been dad visiting unexpectedly. Sometimes, conversations with dad left her depressed, e.g. in October 1976, when she said he raked up the past.
Lack of Progress on Divorce
In September 1976, mum noted being very depressed and the cause of this seems to have a been a lack of progress on the divorce.
Her Health
Concerns about her health sometimes caused mum to feel depressed and anxious. This included, in October 1976, the need to have parathyroid surgery. In September 1978, mum was in hospital and feeling very depressed. Her consultant told her it was the ninth day post-op blues.
Money
As noted above, concerns about money contributed to mum feeling depressed and anxious. For example, in October 1976, mum noted being depressed and worried about money. A particular cause of anxiety was the amount of money dad was giving her.
Actions of Her Friends
Sometimes, how her friends acted caused mum to feel depressed or anxious. For example, in February 1978, mum went to choir with Christine Carter. But, she felt Christine ignored her and came back with someone else. Consequently, mum was a bit depressed.
Grandma’s Advancing Age and Declining Health
Grandma’s advancing age and declining health caused mum to feel depressed and anxious. This was particularly the case in June 1978 when grandma was considering going to Cromwell House or moving in with us.
Practical Effects of Loneliness, Depression and Anxiety
The loneliness mum experienced, and the depression and anxiety to which this contributed, had practical effects.
They Made Her Irritable
First, mum noted that loneliness, depression and anxiety made her irritable. As a result, she would be cross with one or more of us and then regret this.
Poor Sleep and Feeling Tired
Mum often slept poorly and felt tired or exhausted.
Desperate Letters
Also, mum often wrote letters about how she was feeling. I can see these were helpful to her to get her thoughts “out”. In his letter in January 1979, Rev Dowson appears to have recognised that mum felt better after having written letters. He says, “I guess you felt better after you had written and posted the letters”.
However, my experience was that these letters caused great hurt and distress within and beyond the family. She did sometimes filter these and did not send all the letters she wrote. But, it would have been helpful if her threshold for sending letters had been a little higher particularly later when she mastered email!
In his letter to her of 31 January 1979, Rev Dowson noted that there had been a sense of urgency in her letters. This was my experience too. The letters often seemed desperate with mum expecting immediate action.
Mum Worried She Would Never Meet “Someone“
One thing that depressed mum and exacerbated her loneliness was the sense that she would never find anyone and she would be on her own forever. In August 1977, she wrote that she “felt no hope of ever meeting anyone”.
Envious of Others’ Relationships
Unsurprisingly perhaps, mum was envious of people who were in a relationship. These feelings of envy, and perhaps more surprisingly “hurt“, were focused on Tricia and Angus but she was also envious of Heather Ferguson and someone called Hilary.
Odd One Out
Mum referred to herself as being the odd one out, particularly at church events. For example, in February 1977, she went to a dance at St Peter’s Park Lane. She said it was very good but she felt the odd one out despite dancing with John Ferguson, Gerald Cooke and Ken Tickle. Also, in June 1977, mum went on a walk in Swardeston with St Peter’s Guild at night. She said it was nice but she was the odd one out again.
The following year, in July 1978, on arriving at Sidholme in Sidmouth, mum said, as noted above, that everyone had someone “except strange odd man why can’t I meet someone?”. Later, during that holiday, on changeover day, mum noted “no odd men in guests again”.
It seems pretty clear from this comment that one of mum’s aims in going on holiday was to meet unattached men. Rev Dowson’s letter to her in January 1979 implies that she asked his views on ways of seeking to find “someone”. He counselled strongly against advertising in the Methodist Recorder but was less clear on hosting parties although, on balance, he thought “it might not be a good idea”
Confidants and Close Friends
Given mum’s extreme loneliness, and the fact that she found it helpful to develop meaningful relationships which enabled her to discuss in detail the challenges and difficulties she was facing, it is not surprising that mum sought out confidants and formed a number of close friendships during this period. Many, if not most, of these were with men. In his letter of January 1979, Rev Dowson commented that “it is perfectly natural for you to long for male companionship”. So, as mum was on the lookout for “someone special” with whom she could share everything, the boundaries between friend, counsellor, confidant and something more were sometimes blurred. Some of those confidants and friends are discussed here.
Rev Ken Elworthy
Mum’s Church Had Two Ministers
Given mum’s commitment to and involvement in St Peter’s Park Lane Methodist Church, it might have been expected perhaps that she would turn to the Ministers who were there then. At that time, St Peter’s Park Lane had two Ministers. One, a more senior Minister, was Circuit Superintendent while a younger, more junior Minister had a focus on youth including SPOTSOC and the University.
She Turned to the More Junior Minister
Mum had a poor relationship with the more senior Minister, Rev Ream, see Chapter 124. So, it is unsurprising that she did not seek counsel from him. She did get on better with the other Minister who was there at that time, Ken Elworthy and she did sometimes discuss relationship matters with him. For example, when she was shocked by dad turning up unexpectedly in March 1975, she rang Ken Elworthy about it. In July 1975, mum noted talking to Ken Elworthy about “family problems & church ones”. However, although she considered him quite helpful, she noted that he was not like Rev Dowson.
Biographical Details
In a YouTube video created for the 50th anniversary of St Peter’s Park Lane in the eighties, Rev Elworthy explains that his daughter Tabitha was born in Norwich. He was not invited to St Peter’s Park Lane by the congregation but was sent there by the President of the Methodist Conference. While at St Peter’s he had a particular focus on young people including SPOTSOC and the University.
One thing he was known for was a “Punch and Judy” show although he only took this up after his time at Park Lane. People he remembered in Park Lane included Hilda Crowe, Bill Martin, Rodham Dowson, Bill Ream and Len Sugden. After his spell in Norwich, he went on to Gant’s Hill and then the Isle of Man.
Ken Elworthy appears to have died on the Isle of Man in May 2019 following a long struggle with Parkinson’s disease. He was married to Heather and they had three children Peter, Nicola and Tabitha. I think he appears talking to Rev Dowson in this YouTube video (0.27).
Rev Dowson Told Rev Elworthy When He Had Seen Mum
In November 1975, mum noted that Rev Dowson told Rev Elworthy that he had seen her on Saturday. I am not sure of any rules in the Methodist Church but it would seem appropriate and advisable for any former Minister still in contact with a church member to inform the current Minister of the nature of those contacts. Why he told Rev Elworthy and not Rev Ream I am not sure. Perhaps, it was because, he and Rev Elworthy had worked together. However, while mum does not say so explicitly I get the sense that she was not happy about Rev Dowson telling Rev Elworthy this.
Attempted Referral to Professional Counselling Services
Rather than getting into a close relationship with mum, Rev Elworthy sought to refer her to professional counselling services. For example, in December 1975, he took mum to a communion service at St Barnabas Counselling Centre. She had a chat with Maurice Bird afterwards. She described him as “quite nice” but also not like Rev Dowson.
In many ways, I think the approach proposed by Rev Elworthy would have been the most appropriate to provide access to professional counselling from someone who mum was not personally attached to. However, my impression is that this is not what she wanted. She wanted “someone” who she could be close to and with whom she could share everything.
As far as I know, I don’t think she took up the option of counselling at St Barnabas’. Nevertheless, in March 1977, Ken Elworthy asked mum how she was and seemed pleased when she said she was so much better.
Rev Maurice Bird
It appears Maurice Bird was the vicar of St Barnabas between at least 1971 and 1978. He seems to have been active in services of divine healing and healing conferences. According to the 1971-72 Crockford’s Clerical Directory, Maurice Pidding Bird was born in 1919 gaining a BA from Lincoln College Oxford in 1940 and an MA in 1944. He completed training for the Anglican ministry at Cuddesdon College in 1940. Then, he was ordained as a deacon in 1942 and as a priest in 1943. He served in Malden (1942-3), Headington (1943-6), Eastney (1947-55), Clapham (1955-1959), Winterton with East Somerton (1959-1971) and Norwich (from 1971). He was recorded as living at 47 Unthank Road.
Rev F Rodham Dowson
Mum developed a close friendship with Rev F R Dowson. She referred to him in her diary as FR in a way that initially made me think there was a romantic involvement. Although he had been Methodist Minister in Norwich, from 1968 to 1974, he was at this time in Selsey. They wrote to each other and spoke often by phone. They sometimes met up including, for example, when he came to Norwich and also in London, particularly when she went for Coeliac Society meetings, see Chapter 116.
Letters
I think Rev Dowson’s letters were often long, frank and detailed and I think mum liked that. On one occasion, in April 1975, when she got a letter from Rev Dowson, she described it as “not a proper one”. Among mum’s papers were a number of letters from Rev Dowson including two written in 1979. These cover a wide range of topics and come across as having a supportive and understanding tone.
Topics covered included her marriage to and separation from dad, how she had handled those and how she was perceived by others; her need to feel needed and how being needed was reducing as her children grew up and left home; the need to “live in the moment” in relation to both pain and joy; loneliness; male companionship; views on steps mum might have suggested to find a partner; mum’s longings; the situation at St Peter’s Park Lane, including that mum had not been asked to be church steward; and various issues relating to us children.
Secretarial Work
It appears that mum still did secretarial work for Rev Dowson even when he had left Norwich, e.g. producing newsletters, plans and sermons. In January 1977, he asked mum to get flowers for Pat who was having a baby.
Ministry in Selsey
Rev Dowson appears to have discussed aspects of his ministry in Selsey with mum. In January 1975, mum noted that two of his Sunday School children had been found dead on a beach in Selsey. They had apparently wandered off from home and had died of exposure. Mum noted that they were featured on the ITV News. Based on a news article at the time, their names were Richard and Victoria Davies. They were 6 and 4 respectively. Where they were found was more than a mile from where they lived. Apparently, they left the house with no coats and no money.
In February 1975, Rev Dowson told mum that he had to take the funeral of a woman who had committed suicide. He told her that he is regarded as the person who will help by people in the village.
In June 1975, he advised her to buy “Woman” as there was an article in it about a woman in an iron lung who lived in Selsey.
With his letters was an order of service for Selsey for 8 April 1979 which he referred to in his April letter.
Spiritual Counselling
Rev Dowson may have provided some form of spiritual counselling. I am not sure how directive this counselling was or the extent to which he helped mum reach her own conclusions. She did make decisions after speaking with him, for example, in October 1975, she decided to continue with St Peter’s and to have a holiday each year as she deserved it. The point on holidays seems to tie in to the entry on the front inside page of her diary, see Chapter 113.
As an example of spiritual counselling, in February 1975, mum noted that when they met they listened to a tape on “Peace”.
The Joy of Sex
In August 1975, Rev Dowson gave mum a book “The Joy of Sex”. I am not sure what to make of this. I am slightly surprised that a male Methodist Minister would give a woman this book and part of me, at least, thinks it is bordering on the inappropriate. But, I am not sure.
Many Aspects of Life
Mum discussed many aspects of her life with Rev Dowson including her relationship with dad and her involvement at St Peter’s Park Lane. Her views at the time were pretty critical and she shared those with him. In October 1975, she shared a tape of a meeting at St Peter’s so that he could hear similar comments to hers. In particular, she was very critical of the then Minister Rev Ream. She told Rev Dowson her criticisms and sent him reports of a church meeting.
In my view, this is a pretty tricky issue discussing a current minister with a former one. I think most former ministers in that position would try to avoid getting involved! On 1 April 1979, mum wrote to Rev Dowson because she was upset that she had not been asked to be church steward. One of the letters I have is a direct response to that letter dated 7 April 1979.
Dependent on His Calls
Mum relied heavily on Rev Dowson’s calls, in particular, to help her get through times when she was feeling especially depressed or anxious. If she did not hear from him for a few days, this itself made her anxious. However, by September 1976, she was no longer relying on Rev Dowson alone as she had also developed a close friendship with Rev Malcolm Carter, see below, who had the advantage of still being based in Norwich.
Sometimes Ambivalent About Meeting
Although mum was always positive about time spent with Rev Dowson after she had met him, she was sometimes ambivalent about meeting him beforehand. I am not sure why. For example, in October 1976, mum noted that Rev Dowson rang and was coming on Thursday. She wrote “do I really want him to?”. He did come two days later. She saw him for two hours in the afternoon and a further two and a half in the evening. She said it was “vv nice” and “nice to be “me””. However, she did say she felt very depressed on and off all day. I am not entirely sure what mum meant by “nice to be me“. Presumably, she felt that at other times she had to pretend to be someone she wasn’t.
In February 1977, Rev Dowson phoned and mum went there for an hour in the afternoon. She noted that she did not really want to go but felt that she should. In the evening, I was at a school play so, when Rev Dowson phoned at 8.30, she said she could not leave Liz and she noted that this was true although the implication is that this was not the only/real reason.
In August 1979, mum went with friends from church to see Rev and Mrs Dowson. She said it was lovely to see him but she wondered if she should see him at other times. In October, he phoned and mum noted that it would be nice to see him. At the beginning of November 1979, mum did meet him in London and she said it was very nice. She met him again in London in December 1979 when she went for a Coeliac meeting. She noted she was depressed about everything on the way home.
Romantic Involvement?
Was mum romantically involved with Rev Dowson? Referring to him as FR made me think initially that that was the case. Some of her language would imply this also or, at least, that she had a crush on him. She often used the words “lovely” or “wonderful” to describe how she felt when she talked to him or met him. However, it is possible that she just found it “lovely” that someone was willing to listen to her and read and answer her letters. She often referred to activities being “wonderful”.
On one occasion, she said it had been lovely to speak to “someone” which was how she usually described a romantic partner. The fact that she was sometimes ambivalent about meeting him, despite how much she enjoyed those meetings, implies that she thought there was something wrong or unhelpful about those meetings. It is worth noting that he was more than 20 years older than her and he was married.
Rev Malcolm Carter
Another person that mum turned to as friend and confidant was Rev Malcolm Carter.
Biographical Details
From Merseyside, Malcolm Carter served in the ministry there and in Darlington and East Anglia. He was Minister at Court Hey Methodist Church from 1978 to 1986. He was the Methodist chaplain to Walton Prison, now HM Prison Liverpool, for 20 years. I found a YouTube video of him taking a service at Wonford Methodist Church in Exeter in July 2024. When he was in Norwich, I believe he was mainly based at Bowthorpe Road Methodist Church.
Secretarial Work
Although he was based at a different church from the one mum attended, she sometimes did secretarial work for him, e.g. duplicating.
A Listening Ear
In April 1975, he told mum that he had just found out “about Roy” and he offered an ear anytime. Mum sometimes took him up on this offer, phoning or visiting him to discuss problems and issues.
For example, in April 1976, after mum and dad had argued about a possible divorce, mum phoned Malcolm and Christine Carter to talk to them for a while. In May 1976, mum visited Malcolm Carter as she was feeling very depressed. He said she could go anytime or ring. Topics she discussed with him included her relationship with dad; conflicts between us children; and our relationships.
Mum also sometimes wrote him notes or letters. Less frequently, he wrote to her. On one occasion, in September 1978, she noted getting a letter from him but that it was “not as nice as FR’s”. Sometimes, he called to see her or they spoke when they met at church activities, e.g. circuit meetings. They sometimes shared lifts to such events.
He told her that he enjoyed his work and that he loved the people he cared for. In June 1976, he told her that she deserved to be happy and, in August 1976, he phoned to see how she was following surgery for a kidney stone, see Chapter 116. In May 1978, he took her and picked her up when she was admitted to hospital for a D&C. Then, in September 1977, he told her he was happy when she got a part-time job with Drs Brittain, Watkins and Leach, see Chapter 121. Almost always, mum found talking to Malcolm helpful. However, in October 1977, Malcolm came round in the evening but mum thought she couldn’t get through to him.
Services at Bowthorpe Road
Mum also sometimes went to services at Bowthorpe Road and generally enjoyed the services he led. For example, she went there in March 1976. Malcolm was the speaker. She noted that he was very good but that she missed Park Lane. Other times she noted going there included October 1976; February, March, April, June and August (twice) 1977 and January 1978. In April 1977, mum went to the church in Costessey to see a production of the Easter Story that Malcolm had written and produced and which was performed by young people. In July 1977, mum went to an open-air service that Malcolm took in Chapelfield Gardens. She considered it very, very good. Occasionally, Malcolm took services at Park Lane. For example, in October 1977, mum went to a Festival Service at 8pm at St Peter’s Park Lane. She noted that Malcolm was in charge and that it was excellent.
Marriage Agency
In October 1979, Malcolm suggested that mum write to a marriage agency. I don’t know if she ever did this.
Suggesting Activities
When mum was feeling depressed, Malcolm sometimes suggested activities. For example, in June 1976, when mum was feeling depressed and had been cross with Tricia, Alan and Liz, he suggested she go with his wife Christine to the Scope – Snap 76 – Festival Choir at St Andrew’s Hall which she did.
In January 1978, mum went with Malcolm and people from Costessey to St Andrew’s Hall to see the Norfolk Opera Players give Verdi’s “Nabucco” which mum noted as Nebocci). She thought it really excellent and would have liked to go again.
Books To Read
Malcolm sometimes suggested books for her to read, including, in June 1976, Catherine Marshall’s “Adventures in Prayer”. Mum returned this book to Malcolm on 13 June 1976 with comments. Elsewhere, in her diary entry, she describes this as a long letter.
In September 1977, he gave her the book “These Strange Ashes” as a birthday present.
Recording Music
Also, in June 1976, Malcolm recorded “Ride! Ride!” from mum’s record.
Film and Football
In April 1977, Malcolm came round to watch “The Greatest Story Ever Told” which I described as a film about the life of Christ. I had intended to watch it but found it boring so gave up. According to mum, Malcolm watched the first hour.
In May 1977, mum noted that Malcolm came round to watch the European Cup Final on TV. She said it was between Liverpool and West Germany! She noted that Liverpool won 3—1. I also noted this but explained that Liverpool were playing Borussia Mönchengladbach and that Malcolm came for the second half. I noted he got very excited as he came from Liverpool.
Beyond Friend and Confidant?
I am not sure if mum’s and Malcolm’s relationship ever went beyond friend and confidant. In September 1976, mum noted that Malcolm Carter was “nice too”.
Paying for Her to Go to a Concert
In March 1977, mum went with Malcolm to St Andrew’s Hall to hear the UEA Choir singing Bach’s B Minor Mass. She thought it was excellent. Malcolm’s wife Christine was singing in the choir. What was perhaps unusual was that while mum had expected to pay, Malcolm wouldn’t let her. She noted “how nice”.
While this could be interpreted as the kind of behaviour you might find on a “date”, I find it inconceivable that mum would not have mentioned financial difficulties to Malcolm. So, it does not surprise me that he insisted on paying for this.
Presents
Occasionally, Malcolm bought mum presents. For example, in April 1977, Malcolm brought mum a card and jubilee key ring that were a present from France where he had been since Easter. If this related to the Queen’s silver jubilee, it was a bit of an odd present from France! Nevertheless, mum rang Malcolm briefly to thank him. She said she was rather overwhelmed.
Sharing Meals
Occasionally, Malcolm invited mum to have meals with him. For example, in May 1977, he invited her for lunch to the Norfolk and Norwich Hospital where he was attending a chaplain’s study day.
A Friendly Arm?
Also in May 1977, Malcolm came round to see mum at night to bring some duplicating. There is a shorthand entry which says “put his arm round me – just friendly”. While it may be true that this was just a friendly gesture, and mum interpreted it that way, the question then arises as to why she felt it necessary to write it in shorthand.
Only Ever Friends
In June 1978, mum went round to see Malcolm and said it was nice to talk. She noted “can only ever be friends – I’m sure of that.” This entry does imply that the possibility of a deeper relationship had at least crossed mum’s mind. The way she has written this with “I’m” underlined could imply that Malcolm was not so sure.
Malcolm Got Married Again
In December 1979, mum had a letter from Malcolm in which he said he was getting married again on Saturday. By this time, he had left Norwich. Mum commented, “Great shock – but not because I had hopes there!!!! Loneliness intense even before this news”.
Mum Was Also Friends with Malcolm’s Wife Christine Carter
While mum was also friendly with Malcolm’s wife Christine, she preferred to talk to Malcolm about her issues and problems. For example, in November 1976, mum phoned to talk to Malcolm but Christine Carter came round instead. Mum wished Malcolm had come as “he helps, she just chats”. I am not entirely sure what mum meant here. Perhaps Malcolm talked in a different way. He did sometimes help practically. For example, in September 1977, he picked up Alan from the hospital after he had had a dressing and he also took him to a youth meeting as mum had taken grandma to Mansfield.
Mum did however do activities with Christine. For example, in March 1977, she went with her to Chapelfield Road to hear Colin Morris. Sometimes, mum invited both Malcolm and Christine to activities. For example, in June 1977, she invited both Malcolm and Christine to go to the D’Oyly Carte at the Theatre Royal.
I think mum and Christine Carter were both medical secretaries. In June 1977, mum went to an Association of Medical Secretaries (AMS) study day at the Norfolk and Norwich Hospital and Christine Carter was there. In September 1977, mum attended an AMS Symposium in Liverpool. Christine Carter attended too.
Problems With Me
One of the things I know mum discussed with Malcolm was the problems she was having with me. For example, in July 1977, after she and I had had an argument, she phoned Malcolm.
However, she noted that he was also having problems with his son Christopher. I found this a bit of a revelation as my recollection is that mum presented Christopher to me as a perfect son at least in comparison to me! To be fair, I recall that mum gave the impression that basically everyone would be a better son than I was at that time!
In August 1977, mum took Malcolm to play cricket at Heartsease in the afternoon and she picked him up at 7.30. Then, she had a cup of tea with him and chatted. They picked his son Christopher up from the station at 9.50 on his return from France. Mum stayed talking to Malcolm as she thought he was obviously worried by Christopher being so late. I am not sure I follow this. Why was 9.50 considered late?
The Carters Had Their Own Marital Issues
It is clear from mum’s diaries that Malcolm and Christine Carter had their own marital difficulties. They later split up and divorced with Malcolm remarrying.
Temporary Separations
In January 1977, mum noted that Malcolm Carter came round and stayed for over an hour. He and Christopher had gone to his parents while Christine and Helen had stayed here and her parents came. Mum commented “obviously not all well, do I comment”. On some occasions, mum gave Malcolm lifts because Christine was away and had taken the car.
Not Consulted About Next Move
In September 1977, while at the AMS Symposium in Liverpool, Christine told mum that Malcolm had accepted an invitation to Huyton in Merseyside in September 1978. She had not been consulted and she was staying in Norwich. After the symposium, Christine went to her parents in Manchester.
Christine Carter Got a Flat and Left
In February 1978, mum went to choir with Christine Carter but mum felt that Christine ignored her and came back with the Wards. As a result, mum was a bit depressed. However, in April 1978, mum had a long chat with Christine Carter. She told mum that she had got a flat and was leaving Malcolm.
Later that month, Malcolm phoned and asked mum to go round. He told her that Christine and Helen had left. Mum said “I felt really shattered”. I am not sure why mum should feel shattered by this. However, it would not have been unusual for her to be focused on herself and her own feelings rather than how Malcolm and Christine were feeling in this situation!
Mum Visited Christine Carter’s Flat
In May 1978, mum phoned Rev Dowson and talked about Malcolm and Christine as well as other things. Christine Carter visited mum in September 1978. Mum visited her flat in October 1978. She noted she had a nice place with not much furniture. I am not exactly sure if mum considered the lack of furniture a positive or a negative. From what I know of mum, I would have thought she was more likely to think the latter.
My Recollections
I vaguely remember both Ken Elworthy and Rodham Dowson but I remember Malcolm Carter more clearly. What I remember most clearly was that mum encouraged me to become friends with Malcolm’s son Christopher. I am sure this was because she hoped he would be a positive influence on me. I went along with this to some extent because Christopher was an accomplished guitarist and I was trying (pretty unsuccessfully!) to learn. Although I think we may have met up a couple of times we did not become firm friends.
I remember it being a bit odd that he had thought “My Sweet Lord” by George Harrison indicated some kind of conversion to Christianity before he heard Hallelujah morphing into Hare Krishna and realised that was not the case. I also, perhaps unfairly, saw him a bit as The Undertones’ “Perfect Cousin“.
Books
Malcolm Carter has written a number of books about his experiences as a Methodist Minister. These include “Confessions of a Methodist Minister”, “A Tale of Two Donkeys”, “A Christian’s Diary of Laughter” and “Mail from Jail”. He kindly supplied me copies of the latter two books. I contacted him about these in November 2021 as I think they were produced in relatively limited numbers and were mostly out of print.
He explained that his wife Sheila had died from cancer the previous year and he had moved to Exeter where Christopher, his son, lived. He reminisced about mum explaining that she did secretarial work for him when he was in Norwich from 1971. Also, he reminded me that I had written to him when mum moved to a care home in Bury St Edmunds and had informed him of her subsequent decline and death. I did this in the form of a circular letter to mum’s mailing list.
He explained that mum had often wanted to chat with him about the personal problems she had and, later, he had encouraged her as she became a local preacher.
Friends and Confidants in the Congregation of St Peter’s Park Lane
Given the extent of mum’s involvement in the church, it seems only natural that she would look for close male friends and confidants not only among Methodist Ministers but also among members of the congregation. One problem with this approach was that nearly all the men in the church were married.
In March 1976, mum was asked to become property steward (bookings) for the church. She was thinking she might take the role on. Factors were that a new District WF Secretary was unlikely to be needed, the role involved little contact with Rev Ream and would involve “plenty of contact with men!” My sense is that this latter point is half-joking. She wished she could speak to someone about it and thought she might discuss it with Malcolm Carter.
In February 1978, mum went to a Girls’ Brigade country dance. She enjoyed it and “danced with several males”. She only wished there was “someone” for her. When Malcolm phoned later, he told her not to give up hope.
The Cookes
Mum was friendly with a number of couples at St Peter’s Park Lane, see Chapter 124.
One of these was Gerald and Thelma Cooke. They were involved in St Peter’s Guild and sometimes hosted it. They sometimes gave mum lifts to Guild meetings. Mum sometimes sat with the Cookes for church services. Gerald was also involved in a number of church committees and circuit meetings with mum and sometimes gave her lifts to and from these. I am not sure if he acted as some sort of church secretary as, in February 1975, mum took minutes at the church meeting as Gerald could not be there.
Mum, Tricia and Liz all sometimes babysat for the Cookes. Mum sometimes went with the Cookes to musical events. For example, she went with them to hear the UEA choir give “Dream of Gerontius” at St Andrew’s Hall in March 1978. In January 1979, mum went with the Cookes to hear Norfolk Opera Players give “I Lombardi” at the Cathedral. Mum noted she sat with Gerald. I am not sure if the Norfolk Opera Players are the same as the Norfolk and Norwich Operatic Society.
Rather Nice
On one occasion, in July 1976, mum went to the Property Committee at night. Gerald Cooke brought her home. She added a shorthand note saying “he is rather nice”. I am not sure if mum had a particular crush on Gerald Cooke. He was one of the people she sometimes danced with when dances were organised at church. But, there were others.
Discussion of Church Issues
Mum also talked to Gerald about church issues, such as typing and duplicating and stewards. As far as I know, she did not discuss more personal issues with him but she may have done.
“G”
In his letter to mum of 31 January 1979, Rev Dowson comments, “What you get full marks for, if I can put it like that, is the fact that you haven’t made it too obvious that you like what you tell me, e.g. you like sitting with someone at the theatre when his wife is in the orchestra (OK) but very wisely you don’t expect him to take you home.. though if both of them offered, you could accept.”
I wonder if this refers to Gerald Cooke. This was just after mum went with the Cookes to hear “I Lombardi” at the Cathedral. Mum had sat with Gerald and perhaps Thelma was taking part. However, this was at the cathedral and not a theatre. In a footnote to his letter, Rev Dowson says, “it’s understandable and right that you should enjoy sitting with G at the theatre on that occasion and it was wise of you – though it would have been nice – not to expect him to take you home on his own.” My suspicion is that mum probably only referred to “G” in her letter to Rev Dowson.
Friendly
In October 1979, mum described one of the men at the church as a “bit friendly”. The next day, she noted that he was “still very friendly!”. In November 1979, she described him as “very friendly” but that his wife wasn’t. “Oh dear” she noted. On Christmas Eve 1979, after communion, he put his arm around her and “asked for a kiss!! Oh!!!!” However, on the day before New Year’s Eve 1979, at the church service, mum noted that he was “not very friendly!!!”.
Andrew Wright
Mum also discussed some of her issues with Andrew Wright who attended St Peter’s Park Lane, see Chapter 124. However, I suspect Andrew engaged with mum because he was quite close to Tricia and he/they knew that mum was concerned about their relationship not least because Andrew was married.
In April 1976, mum and Andrew spoke for a long time. He had phoned mum to discuss what mum referred to as Tricia’s “moodiness”. He said that Tricia objected to dad coming to stay but did not mind about divorce. I am not sure why mum did not discuss this with Tricia directly. I don’t know how much of what mum wrote reflected what Tricia thought given that this was coming to her via Andrew and was subject to her own views and perspectives. In addition, I think my views at the time would have been that I liked seeing dad so was happy when he came to stay although I did not like the conflict this caused. Like Tricia, I did not mind about divorce assuming that mum and dad could not be reconciled.
A week later, Andrew offered to make a photocopy for free of Tricia’s grant application. Mum noted that if she asked M Cook to make the copy she would have to pay. Andrew also offered to help mum with her duplicating accounts if she needed such help.
Dr Welch
The diaries are confusing as she referred to both her GP, Dr Welch, and the GP she worked for, Dr Watkins, as Dr W in different contexts. I believe mum may have discussed the problems in her relationship with dad with Dr Welch, particularly as these affected her mental health negatively.
In November 1976, she saw Dr Welch but another doctor was with him so she did not say much. She thought he was less friendly than usual. She noted that she would see him on Monday if he was on his own. In December 1978, mum noted that she “Tried to get Dr W on phone & left message for him to ring – when he did he said to me “You’ve been wanting me”. I said yes he then said “Well now you’ve got me” – if only.”
I am not sure how mum was interpreting this. My sense was that mum had probably been chasing reception staff and/or leaving messages so that she could see Dr Welch and that is what she is referring to. It is possible that she had some kind of crush on him but I don’t think there was anything other than a professional relationship from his perspective.
Doctors She Worked For
Mum developed close working relationships and friendships with two doctors, in particular, that she worked for during this period, see Chapter 121.
Michael Ashken
Michael Ashken was a consultant urologist and mum worked for him as a secretary in his private practice. In September 1976, mum noted that Mr Ashken is “nice” and that she must “watch it!!” I think this meant that she recognised that she could become attracted to him and also that this was inadvisable.
In June 1977, mum noted that Mr Ashken spoke about his family to her. Apparently, his son Ian was born on the same day as me. The following day, mum noted that Mr Ashken spoke to her as a colleague and not as a servant.
David Watkins
David Watkins was a GP for whom mum worked initially part-time and then full-time. In September 1978, mum was in hospital and feeling very depressed. She mentioned that Nurse Hardy was nice to her. Dr Watkins visited and “he got it all”. This related to mum’s loneliness and dreading coming home. She described him as charming.
In December 1978, mum noted that Dr Watkins was in the surgery. I am not sure why but this statement merited three exclamation marks. Later that month, mum noted “Dr Watkins very nice – asked about my leg – said he couldn’t treat it but sounded as if he’d like to. How smashing he is!”
In January 1979, mum went to a Chinese Dinner Dance as guests of Mr Ng, a patient at the surgery. Mum sat with Janet Bennett and Dr Watkins. Dr and Mrs Brittain had picked her up and Dr Brittain insisted on taking her home. Mum wrote “what a pity” as Dr Watkins had offered to take her.
In March 1979, mum noted that Dr Watkins put his hand on her shoulder when he went to use the telephone. This merited one exclamation mark. In November 1979, mum described it as nice when Dr Watkins gave her letters in Dr Brittain’s room. I am not sure the significance of this but it merited four exclamation marks. Later that month, mum noted that Dr Watkins is super “if only….!”
Friends Outside Norwich
Mum also made some friendships with men outside Norwich and I think this was largely through Christian Guild holidays as mentioned above.
Cecil
One of these friendships was with someone called Cecil. He is first mentioned in her diary in January 1975. There is a gap in mum’s diaries for the years immediately preceding 1975.
Letters
They wrote to each other at least between January 1975 and July 1977. In January 1975, mum noted that, in one of her letters, she wrote to Cecil about divorce.
Then, in April 1975, she noted that one of Cecil’s letters said he agreed with her over “parties”. I don’t know what this means but wonder if it might relate to us children attending parties. One thing I do know is that mum often did this kind of rallying of people to her cause! I experienced it a lot over the years!! Characteristics of this were her only putting her point of view and doing so in a way that made it almost impossible to disagree with. Also, based on my own experience, mum was someone you disagreed with at your own peril. So, many people simply agreed for a quiet life! Over time, I found this practice very problematic not least because I never had chance to put my point of view.
In August 1975, mum received a letter from Cecil while she was on holiday. It had been sent to her at Plas y Coed. Sometimes, mum composed a letter to Cecil that she later regretted and did not send. For example, in October 1975, mum wrote a letter to Cecil but then tore it up. This habit of writing letters when she was upset became a big issue in later life particularly with the advent of email. When she was upset, she tended to write an email and send it to all of us. This often made whatever issue there was worse!
Connected Through Christian Guild Holidays?
I am not sure exactly who Cecil was or how mum knew him but my suspicion is that she had met him on a Methodist Guild or other holiday prior to 1975.
In July 1976, mum had a letter from Cecil saying that he and the Boxalls would be at Dhalling Mhor in Dunoon for two weeks from 24 July, the day that mum would be leaving after having been there for two weeks. She said “I was very depressed about this but turned it over to God – hard but hope I did so”. In Dunoon, she noted when Sid Collins, see below, spoke to her that he seemed very understanding but she did not take to him as she had to Cecil. She said “wished Cecil was here – or someone. Prayed at night that I didn’t understand why we had to come this week but tried to do God’s will – so very difficult as I just don’t understand what it is. Prayed for someone – a male – just to talk to”.
I don’t understand the comment about having to come this week. Presumably they came that week because that was the week mum booked and she and Cecil had not coordinated when they would be there!
Taken Ill
As it happens, mum was taken ill at the end of that holiday, with kidney stones that later needed surgery, see Chapter 116, so, she, Alan and Liz had to delay returning home. The cynic in me finds it all rather convenient that mum was disappointed that she and Cecil were not overlapping holidays but they ended up doing so because mum was ill. However, there is little doubt that mum was genuinely ill.
In the end, Cecil drove mum, Liz and Alan to Glasgow but the car then broke down. So, they travelled by train to Edinburgh and flew home.
Less Frequent Communication
While mum and Cecil did correspond after this, the frequency with which mum noted writing to Cecil or receiving a letter from him declined. The last letter she noted receiving from Cecil was in July 1977.
Getting Married Again
In January 1978, mum had a letter from Joyce Boxall saying that Cecil was getting married again. It seems mum was upset by this. She phoned Malcolm but he wasn’t in so mum wrote what she thought. Malcolm rang later. Mum said she could not pray at night. I am not sure what this means.
Sid Collins
As noted above, while on holiday in Dunoon in July 1976, mum met someone called Sid Collins. She said she told him about herself. He said he loved her and she noted that she thought he meant It in the right way. I am not sure what this means. I am assuming that mum told Sid all about herself, problems and all. Presumably, he meant he loved her in a Christian, fraternal way but I could well be wrong.
Mum noted that he seemed very understanding but she did not take to him in the same way as she had to Cecil. She wished Cecil or “someone” was there. On the first Monday night there, she prayed that she didn’t understand why they had to come this week but tried to do God’s will. She said it was very difficult and she didn’t understand what it was. She prayed for “someone” – a male – just to talk to.
Sid phoned sometimes between October 1976 and January 1977. However, the last call mum noted from him was on 3 January 1977.
Other People Mum Met on Christian Guild Holidays
There are various other names that come up in relation to people mum met on Christian Guild holidays including May and Alf Evans and Bill and Dot Pond. I believe she met them while on holiday in Dunoon in 1976. She refers to spending time with them including playing Scrabble and table tennis.
On Thursday 15 July 1976, she noted “Realised prayer of Monday for a male to talk to had been answered – but ask for someone special even though nothing can come from it – would be prepared to wait – years if necessary if “he” is there to write to & meet sometimes.” I don’t fully follow this but mum seems to distinguish between a male to talk to and “someone” special. I am not sure why nothing could come from it. Perhaps this related to the slowness of the divorce proceedings or mum’s own reluctance to accept that a marriage could be ended.
May and Alf Evans visited her in 1977 when she was at Lindors. In August 1978, while on holiday in Sidmouth, Bill asked for her address. In 1979, while on holiday in Moorlands in Whitby, mum visited Dorothy and Bill Pond in Linthorpe and May and Alf Evans in Marske. Mum wrote “Went to Linthorpe (by car) to see Dorothy & Bill Pond (D Mhor) for lunch & tea, then to Marske to see May & Alf Evans. (Bought dress in Middlesbro in aft 17.95). Drove back over coast road at night 2 1 in 4 hills down! Got back 10.40. Nice day. Bill kissed me goodbye & said he hoped we’d see each other again before long”.
Peter Oliver
In August 1979, on leaving holiday, mum noted that “Peter Oliver kissed me goodbye and told me to look after myself”. I am not entirely sure who he was but he was mentioned the previous Sunday when mum had gone to Fylingthorpe Methodist Church with him and Vera and Reg Crisp.
Female Friendships
During this period, mum maintained and developed a number of close female friendships. For example, she stayed in touch with Marilyn Rankin (neé Seville) and Dorothy Taylor (neé Lofthouse) who she had known from when she was a child. While she does not specifically say she discussed relationship issues with them, I suspect she did.
On her birthday in 1976, mum rang Peggy when she was feeling depressed. However, although she said she was nice, it didn’t really help. I am not entirely sure who this was. Mum seemed to have a work colleague called Peggy and I also found reference to a Peggy in Preston.
Mum also developed close friendships with Heather Ferguson, through church, and Janet Bennett, through work. If she did discuss her relationship issues with them, she did not record this in her diaries. She clearly mentioned Janet Bennett to Rev Dowson as he said in his letter of January 1979, “No, I didn’t think you were regarding Janet’s company as better than a man’s but I was glad that you had it. Again, better than nothing!” I am not sure I fully understand this possibly because I only have half a conversation! I am not sure why close female friendships need to be compared to a special relationship with a man. Describing Janet’s friendship as “better than nothing” makes me uncomfortable.
Loneliness in Summary
In summary, mum suffered from extreme loneliness during these years presumably as a result largely of her and dad splitting up. She found having someone to talk to helped. However, those who helped her in this way must have found it quite a burden given the amount of contact she needed and the immediacy of her requests.
She longed for “someone” special to share things with but, as far as I know, she never found that person. Part of the problem I think was the intensity with which she focused on that issue. I am sure people would have found it overwhelming and intimidating.
In mum’s year five-year diary for 1978 to 1982 was a letter from August 1981 written by Albert who appears to have been a Methodist Minister. He wrote, “Perhaps you are trying too hard to find someone to share your life and its becoming “counter productive” in that it results in worse loneliness. It could be that the Lord wants you to accept things as they are and just live each day as it comes thankful for the blessings you have…”